Feeling empty, lost and self destructive

[shotokansho]

Hello everyone.

Really need someone to talk too, I can't stop crying. I hope this post isn't to long, I just need something, not sure what, maybe I'm just looking for support and virtual hugs. 6 months ago i started on venlafaxine after taking a near fatal overdose. I guess they were OK at first but the last few weeks I've noticed that I've been suffering with symptoms very similar to that of withdrawals. I've never forgotten to take a pill though. I've also noticed that I've been over agitated and my disturbing thoughts have been worsening. My sleeping has got bad because my body keeps having spasms when I need to sleep. Sometimes it's just my legs Jerking but other times it can be my whole body. I had also been crying a lot and getting upset over the smallest thing. I'd decided that I needed to come off these Meds.
Anyway things have been going bad at work, I only work part time in a kitchen, just two staff, me and my manager. My manager shouts at me in front of customers and gives me a hard time if I'm sick. She has no sympathy or understanding of my illness and just thinks I'm being stupid. Yet she can go off sick no problem. I also feel like I always get the blame for things going wrong, I feel small at work and insignificant so I feel I deserve no better. My finances have been going bad too. Working tax credits decided to take £80 a week off me, when my wages go in its mostly taken by bills so there isn't a lot left, so basically I'm living off £9 a week of working tax credits. Im really struggling, and I'm wondering how I'm going to cope at Christmas.
I have a boyfriend, hes amazing and I love him and he loves me but I'm so frightened of upsetting him that I don't open up to him or tell him what's wrong. Every day I'm scared I'm going to lose him.
My eldest son is 19 and he is basically living in my living room with his girlfriend. She has mental health issues and my son told me the other day that he was going to be a dad but she lost the baby. They are arguing a lot and he loses his temper and punches things in my house and shouts and swears. I always end up crying because I can't stand it and the stress is too much for me.
It was all getting too much for me and a few weeks ago I self harmed. It was nothing major and I got over it and tried my best to carry on as normal. It did start ringing bells for me though because I hadn't done anything like that for almost 6 months. Then last Wednesday I took an overdose. I ended up in hospital for 3 days on a Drip. When I was medically discharged I had to wait to see one of the psych team before I could leave. I'll be honest, I wanted to be admitted. I told him I couldnt face going home, that I don't trust myself or feel safe and my problems with my medication but he wouldn't listen to me. He was so patronising, throwing leaflets in my face and telling me my problems wouldn't go away if I came into hospital. Like I don't know that. I needed space from the chaos and maybe get started on a new medication. Instead I was left to go home without medication and in total feeling of despair. I've been withdrawing all weekend, I'm not feeling well at all. I'm dizzy, feel sick and very tearful.
My mum phoned my manager for me in time for my Thursday shift and my manager was angry and very rude to my mum. I've been in touch with her today and said I wouldn't be in next week but I did it by text and she said it wasn't good enough and I have to ring her tomorrow. I don't want to talk to her, I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I don't think I ever want to go back but it would cripple me financially, I'll only get ssp and it's not enough as I have a 12 year old to care for. I was on ESA before going into this job, I was feeling better so I gave up all that security and went into work giving up all my benefits and now I'm wondering weather that was the right thing to do and I don't know if it would be possible to go back on it.
I'm completely at a loss of what to do with my life right now, I'm very depressed. It's strange, I have an amazing boyfriend, great friends and family and yet I feel so lonely. I feel so alone in this world and feel no one is actually listening to me and understanding how I'm feeling or what I'm going through in my mind.
Im at a loss guys, I really am
Kez x

[swgrl09]

Oh wow, I am so sorry you have been struggling lately. I think it is a real shame they did not admit you after the overdose and sent you home. Have you met with a psychiatrist or therapist since then? I think you should see your doctor or go back if you feel like you are withdrawing and feel so low. Being completely taken off meds can leave you feeling very depressed and hopeless - that's not to minimize the experiences you have had that also could cause the depression, but just to say that being off meds so suddenly definitely is not helping!

Sending hugs, wish I could do more than that

[randomforeigner]

My manager shouts at me in front of customers and gives me a hard time if I'm sick. ...my manager was angry and very rude to my mum.

I think this might be a cultural thing, I seem to have noticed in films and such that British bosses shout more, they're displaying a lot of more anger than, say, Swedish bosses who in my experience are more laid back (at least the ones I've had lately). Let your boss think you're stupid, you know otherwise, and think more about ways to cope (there might be some tutorials on YouTube on how to deal with obnoxious people such as the giraffe language, that's what it's called its a technique on how to talk to agitated people). The fact that your manager was rude to your mum only proves the point, he or she is probably going to their gp in secret too, but for a different set of issues. Maybe you could just look up the giraffe language on YouTube and see if you van find something useful that you could use when your boss is (probably unrightfully) having a go at you the next time. I believe it's really good. It's been adapted for children too, works at all levels.

[shotokansho]

Thanks for the replies. I know it's not good coming off medication like that, I've been partly stubborn too because I said that even if I had them I probably wouldn't take them because I hate them so much. Having a said that these withdrawals are getting too much for me so I may have to give in and get a prescription from my GP. It's making me feel like a failure though because I've not been able to get off them. Plus it would take ages to taper off them if I do it through my psychiatrist. I've not seen or spoke to anyone yet but I'm expecting a call today from my CPN. thank you for the hugs.

Giraffe language, ive never heard of that before but I will defo look at it. It sounds very interesting and sounds like it could be interesting. Thank you.

Today I plan to stay in bed all day. I'm not feeling "with it" at all and just don't want to do anything.

[pulisa]

Even the Royal College of Psychiatrists now recognise that venlafaxine can cause major withdrawal problems and it's a powerful drug which needs to be treated with caution. I really think you need expert advice from a psych on coming off ven and regular support from your CPN along the way, not just the odd phone call here and there. I'm so sorry that you are suffering so much but I'd say that you do need professional help at this stage and the treatment you had in hospital sounds shoddy and far from satisfactory.

[shotokansho]

I'm seeing my CPN tomoz so hopefully she can setc up a meeting with my shrink to sort out my Meds. Done a lot of sleeping today and ignoring the phone. Had a bad headache and cried a lot. Spoke to my boss and she told me off again. Apparently I can't go on fb or speak to a friend at work, and then she told me off for not ringing her this morning even though she knew I wasn't going to be in. She accused my mum of having a go at her and said that it should have been me that rang and not my mum, I suppose I would have rang myself if I wasn't half conscious. At least she was informed well before my shift that I would be absent. She also said I have to ring her every single day that I'm off work.
I've decided I'm going to hand in my notice, the stress is too much for me