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OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Please also read this Website page: OCD
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Old 25-05-12, 02:29
lorian lorian is offline
 
Join Date: May 2012
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POCD or real

I'm going to make this as short as possible. First, i'm suffering from ocd, ROCD, HOCD and harm ocd, wich i was admitted to the hospital for last year. It got better, but things got really bad again the last month. Thinking i was a liar, cheater, and one thought goes to into another. Thinking i was a cheater, and with what girl i was cheating with, (girl i kissed, while i liked another, but never got a relationship with) this got me very very anxious. Tho everybody told me that isn't cheating, that i just was a bit confused. So that calmed me down.

But then i thought, oh know, that girl was not 18 yet, and i was 25, am i a paedofile? but ofcourse i can't be, i'm not attracted to children, so thats ok. But then something popped into my mind that was burried for a long long time. When i was 17 (11 years ago) i woke up, having a wet dream about a 10 year old male child i was so upset by that, at least i think i was, or maybe i was not? it was something that never happend to me, always got off and always liked girls, my first fantasies as a teenager were girls, always bin attracted by them, And then a bit later i thought of it again, i can't remember if the thought scared me, or i was just aroased by it again. And then i masturbated, with mixed thoughts, about that dream, and girls of my age. was i trying to push the thoughts away, at least again i think i wanted to push them or did i really wanted to get of on that dream. at that time i already had intrusive gay thoughts, i pushed those away all the time, so why wouldn't i did the same then with the pedo thought. its bin 11 years, its all so hard to remember. Its so messed up. Did i just see it as a fantasy like any other i had in that age. I could never harm a child, and am not attracted to childeren in any way. After that thing it didn't happen anymore, never got aroased by children again. Got in many normal relationships where i felt good in. But now i'm bound with fear and anxiety, affraid that i'm really will be a paedofile, cause i wasn't very anxious about it back then and didn't have severe ocd back then like i do have now.

But when i was 24 i developed HOCD, suddenly i was attracted to adult males, where i never was before. Its like the fear and the anxiety creates the aroasal. I lost all attraction to girls, and was even more affraid. Wanting to test myself almost every day if i still was attracted to girls, by mixing adult male with female fantasies.

So the big question, am i a paedofile by having masturbated on those thoughts or was it just ignorance of a teenager with too much hormones. I'm very close to throwing myself out of the window.
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Old 25-05-12, 04:29
Anxious_gal Anxious_gal is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,735
Re: POCD or real

I think the problem is your are over thinking your thoughts.
Instead of just accepting it's a thought and letting them pass, you start to over analyze them.
I'm not sure how you cope with POCD, but I'm sure they are ways to better deal with the scary thoughts
Thoughts are not true, they are simply thoughts,they mean nothing, they are not actions.

You had a dream about about a boy, we all get crazy dreams like that. You can't control a dream, it's like a thought, it's simply not real .

From the sounds of it, you are not attracted to children, you don't watch child porn, you don't hand around childrens schools or do any sort of actions that may suggest in any way you're a pedophile.
A pedophile is always attracted to young children, they rarely if ever are attracted to people their own age.

I'm not sure if you are attracted to men or not but that shouldn't really matter.
Sexuality isn't simply black and white, not gay, straight or bisexual.
some people could be 30% attracted to females and then 70% attracted to males...so on...
Who you are attracted to really doesn't make you who you are, and not ever one wants nor need to label their sexuality.

As long as your are not hurting anyone you really don't need to worry
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