"But I'm not anxious"!

[KLP]

Hi all,

Hoping to get some feedback on this (keeps fingers crossed). Oh I haven't posted my own post on here for a long time.

Ok I'll keep this brief. Oct 13 to Feb 14, I didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. Since a bit of therapy, this site, and convincing myself this is anxiety. I have been feeling remarkably better though not totally back to my old self.

I recently went onto Cit 10mg (mmm about 5 weeks ago). And i went onto them to remove the remaining symptoms I have. Having suffered an extreme anxiety over 4 months is this still the aftermath?
I believe my vision has been permanently affected by it I haven't had one minute where my vision is back to normal, I get these odd clicking/popping sensations in my hand mainly my fingers. The slightest involantry movements from mainly my legs, bruised to touch various parts of body but no bruise. And recently pins and needles in the middle of the night in my hands and fingers.
Had lots of tests seen neuro scan mris you name it Ive had it.

Sorry I said I'd keep this short.

My question is, I don't have the hang ups/worries/anxieties like I did this time last year. So WHY am I not 100%? It's been 9 months now.

[Sar89]

I think I can answer this having had anxiety for 7yrs now... Even when your going through a good patch or well on the road to recovery when you were in your anxious state you have kind of reprogrammed ur mind if you will into the anxious state and the strange things that anxiety brings such as the ticks in your legs. My psychiatrist said something like that to me on the grounds that ur mind is like a computer that u can re-program into being 'normal' he also said that u may never get back to ur old self and that's ok ur a different person in some ways now because of the experience you have been through x

[KLP]

Thanks Sarah

Interesting about referring it to a computer, an update is most certainly required.

[Mindknot]

Hmmm, yeah I've been wondering about this too... as I understand it (from reading) though it can a) take quite a long time for your body to sort out it's hormones (production there of) and what not 'after' anxiety b)the fight/flight response can be triggered quite subconciously too, so although the thoughts aren't necessarily at the front of your mind, you may have 'learned responses' to certain triggers still... - that's where the re-programming is needed I guess

It's quite fascinating really... odd, annoying, initially terrifying... but fascinating nonetheless

[Fishmanpa]

From what I've come to learn about anxiety, it's like any other physical illness in that you can heal from it but also like a physical illness (a serious one), the experience changes you. I always speak of the "new normal" with my cancer experience. This would be similar if not the same.

The computer analogy is a really good one. Think of it like a computer that needed a reboot. There may still be malicious malware that causes it to boot up slower or crash unexpectedly. You overcome the issue by restarting and running your virus software (akin to using your CBT or relaxation, mindfulness techniques etc.). This would be the same. Whether consciously or unconsciously, your mind and body are reacting to stressors or perceived situations and thus a symptom of anxiety when you're not expecting it.

I also equate it to an oven. When you're cooking, the oven is hot. When you turn it off, it stays hot for a while. Sometimes you leave the oven on warm to keep the food ready to eat. Your mind and body are much the same with anxiety. You may have long since cooked and eaten the meal but left the oven on warm.

You've been through a trying experience. One only need revisit old threads to see where you were in relation to the present and can see the progress you've made. You should be encouraged by this and expect a rough patch now and again. It's just part of the new normal. I understand totally the thoughts of "why am I not 100%". It sucks to come to the realization that something was taken from you. At the same time, as trying dealing with an illness is and as much as it really does take from you mentally and physically, you come out stronger in many ways and those are the aspects to focus on and take solace in.

Positive thoughts

[chickpea]

The way I've seen it described is that our thoughts wear a groove into our brain, which we can then get stuck in when we start to have similar feelings/thoughts/sensations to previous anxious periods.
We trawl through our memory, trying to place these feelings and start to make mistaken connections, eg last time I felt like this, x happened - so it must be happening again. We get stuck in a groove we may not even realise is there, so we need to repair the groove by changing our automatic thinking.

[SarahH]

Was about to reply then read FMP post and could not have worded it any better.... great response FMP!

sarah

[Mindknot]

Indeed, great response FMP. More posts like this should be made sticky as I've no doubt they are questions that everyone has when trying to work through their anxiety problems!

[luc]

Great responses.

[Fishmanpa]

Just as a footnote... I thought I was doing pretty good this time around before my follow up. Last weekend before the appointment, it all hit me hard. My GAD manifests itself mostly in irritability. I practically go ballistic over the simplest and silliest things. In retrospect, I didn't see or feel the warning signs. Restless sleep, lack of appetite, headaches, muscle aches etc. I just assumed it was the "new normal".

After the appointment, I can tell you that the sense of relief was almost euphoric. We went for a celebratory lunch and I felt I could eat mine and my wife's! Of course I can't and didn't but I was hungry for the first time in a week. And that night I fell asleep before 9pm and slept straight through til 7am the next morning.

Anxiety knocks the poo out of you! I can only imagine those who are on 24/7 high alert. It takes time to recover from a couple of weeks of stress, imagine what it takes to recover from months or years of it.

Positive thoughts