Hello everyone,
My name is Julia and I am 22 years old. I'm new here, but I've had health anxiety/OCD for around 5 years. I'm currently struggling to the point that I'm barely functioning, so I figured I would try posting here and see if anyone has any advice for how I can get past this.
Two years ago, I went to a GI doctor because of occasionally seeing very small amounts of blood on the surface of my stool (after I had been straining). I would also see mucus when I was constipated, and I absolutely freaked myself out over this even though the blood was clearly separate from the stool (rather than being mixed in). At that time, I had a flexible sigmoidoscopy, and the doctor didn't find anything bad. So I kinda just went on my way and felt better. After that, maybe once every few months, I would see something similar to what I had seen the first time- a tiny bit of blood on the outside of a stool that was particularly hard.
What brought me to where I am right now is because at the end of September this happened again, and I'm not sure why this particular time sent me down the anxiety spiral, but it did. There was a little bit of blood/mucus, and I immediately went back to being terrified about c*****. After this instance, my stomach started bothering me, just acting up/being constipated on and off/having to go more than a couple times a day, etc. I took this plus the other symptoms as a complete death sentence. So I went back to the doctor, who said that since she had checked me out not very long ago for the same concerns, didn't feel like anything needed to be done. But she said that if I wanted to get another sigmoidoscopy, she would do it, so I said yes. I went for that about a month after the bleeding had happened. She said I did the prep perfectly so she was able to see everything clearly, and again she didn't see anything of concern. She said that she didn't see any hemorrhoids/fissures either, so that the bleeding would have been from straining and irritating the skin. I was okay for a few hours, but then my mind started going again, and I started dwelling on the fact that even though she didn't see anything bad, she didn't see a clear reason for the symptoms either.
So this brings me where I am right now (almost two months after the initial Incident). I keep thinking that maybe she should have told me to get a colonoscopy in case something is wrong past where the sigmoidoscopy could see, and that something must be wrong further up my colon. I told her that my grandfather had colon c***** and my dad and aunt have had polyps, but she said that the sigmoidoscopy was still what she would have done. I've spent so much time googling (which I know I shouldn't do but I can't stop), reading people's terrifying stories on forums, reading people's posts about how you should lie about your symptoms to get a colonoscopy, reading about every possible symptom, scenario, etc and I have fallen so deep that I don't know how I'm ever going to get back up again. I'm not even able to focus on my job, and all I feel every morning when I wake up is dread. I freaked myself out even more by reading a couple of bad reviews about the doctor I went to, and even though I've read that symptoms of something bad on the left side of the colon (where I got checked) are different than the right side, and the symptoms I've experienced seem to be typically left side symptoms, I can't get any of this out of my head. I've even started obsessing and thinking I could have anemia, which is just terrifying me even more over something being wrong. It's so hard for me to step back and be logical about this, or to even convince myself that my general stomach issues are because I've been in a constant state of anxiety for so many weeks. This is by far the worst my health anxiety has ever been- it feels absolutely debilitating and I don't know what to do. I want to go to another GI doctor to see what they say, but I'm so scared that they'll tell me to get a colonoscopy. If I needed it, I would do it of course, but I've read so much about the risks and it terrifies me. I can't decide if I should go to another GI doctor, or just go to my regular doctor and talk to him about what's been going on and see what he suggests, because I can't tell if I really need to go to another GI doctor or if its just my anxiety telling me I should. My parents are insistent that I should be looking for a therapist rather than another doctor, I guess since they're able to look at this more objectively and they attribute my symptoms/feelings to my anxiety. I just don't know what to do, I've never felt so lost or doomed or helpless and I don't know how to many any of this better. I can't focus on anything at all because all my mind is telling me is that I'm going to die.
If you read all of that, thank you <3 I would really really appreciate any advice anyone could give, or if you had a similar experience, or if you had suggestions for how I could ease some of this anxiety
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