Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Scass]

Well done for managing your big day on Thursday, sounds like you coped brilliantly with those horrible negative thoughts.
It is SO very cold at the moment isn’t it, it definitely doesn’t help anxiety when you’re hot and then cold, all wrapped up and a bit restricted.

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[Carnation]

Thanks Scass
Yes, so cold and blowing a gale.

[CarmR]

Where are you's all from, I'm in Birmingham and its windy and raining bad here..

[Carnation]

Hi CarmR
I used to leave in the South East, but have been on the Suffolk coast for the last couple of years, which has 50+ winds at the moment.

---------- Post added at 18:35 ---------- Previous post was at 17:21 ----------

So, my bloomin bad foot is still hurting and I've decided to bandage it up, which means I now can't get me boots on. I feel it needs support because every time I take a step, I can feel the tendons pulling. I never realised how much walking you can do around the kitchen and I find myself carrying armfuls of stuff to lower the trips. And of course anxiety is in play, so my eyes are blurry and my head is full of the wrong type of chemicals that make you feel like one of those puppets from Thunderbirds.
When I was out a couple of days ago, I really thought I was walking on a bouncy castle. It's so weird. But I have ground I am stopping and pushing my head forward when I walk as if to get there before I get there, as my brain wants me to get to safety. I've tried walking slower, walking harder and stopping momentarily to see if it makes a difference, but I have come to the conclusion that it's my mind and not what's do with my legs.
I also found on my visit to the foot specialist that she noticed that I walk on my toes instead of the sole of my foot. Funny, because I have a sensation of being pushed forward and that might explain it. It's almost a ready position for running. So I need to control my eagerness to rush to my destination my mind.
It makes sense, because when I am gardening, I don't have that feeling. Probably because I am calmer and focused on what I am doing.
So focus without magnifying the focus might be a help.

[Carnation]

Last night I attended a Choir service in church, with bad foot and anxiety in tow. (That's 'tow' and not 'toe' )
Although my toe was hurting too. How I managed to stay put for a hour and a half, I don't know. And the standing, sitting, standing, sitting, staying silent, staying seated and keeping my mouth shut. Well, I am definitely impressed with myself. I really enjoyed it and shed a few tears when the professional choir sang 'Candlelight Carol' by John Rutter. The only thing that spoiled it was the various bowls shaking at you as you left for money donations. I feel if some people can't afford to make a donation it just embarrasses them. And why can't the service be given for free? Bringing money in to the equation sort of defeats the object of the whole thing in my eyes.
I learnt a tip of trying to stand still. lean slight back on your heels and push down. You can do this without anyone noticing.
Anyway, pleased I went, but by the time I got to bed I had a stomping headache, which was not related to the church visit, but had been building up for a few days. My brain has to know the reason and between pressure, sinuses, trapped wind and anxiety, I couldn't decide which one it was, but thankfully it has gone today.
I had a lovely chat with a woman in a shop today and we stumbled on the topic of mental illness. I don't know why, but I opened up about my breakdown and to my surprise, the woman replied back with, "Me too, 4 years ago". I was more than surprised because this woman showed absolutely no signs visible to my beady eye. Considering she suffers with anxiety, panic and ocd. She has mastered a coping strategy. I will surely be talking to this woman again. She also commented on how I showed no visible signs of anxiety. What a secret world we live in.

[Darksky]

How very true Carnation, we do indeed live in a secret world. The face we show to the world is carefully crafted, well it is for me. The majority of my family dont even know. Very odd, considering if we had kidney disease or similar the whole world would know.

Carols make me cry too.

Anyhoo, it's piddling down and I've to get going and walk the dog.

[Carnation]

Its been a few days of posting and dismally I still have a bad foot that doesn't seem to be healing and nearing 3 weeks now. I went to have some treatment today and it is possible I may have a hairline fracture, so not happy about that if it turns out to be true. To make matters worse for me and my injury, we had to get the car M.O.T. today and after dropping it off first thing this morning, we had to wander around the town for almost 6 hours before we could collect it. There is only a certain amount of time you can nurse a cup of tea in a café. But I did manage to find a few shops with a courtesy chair

---------- Post added at 23:38 ---------- Previous post was at 23:13 ----------

Oops, hand slipped on a button and my post went up before I had finished.
I'm really feeling sorry for myself. Being ill at Christmas is not great and I really could thump Mr C for treading on my foot. I felt the weight of the shoe that did the injury. Well, it might as well have been a brick. He has these shoes like brogues, probably vintage and the heel I think is made from cement. So, now he has to pay and do all the work I normally do. He said today, "Are you adding on extra chores?" Actually, I'm not, but he doesn't realise how much I do. He thinks doing the washing-up, putting the rubbish out and making tea is a fair share of household chores.
He also managed to kick my bad foot today. Not on purpose, but it felt like it.
I gave him one of those looks. I want to burn those shoes!!!!!
Anxiety has been hanging around me like a heavy rucksack. I've completely giving up looking at myself in the mirror and do all my ablutions by looking at the floor or ceiling. Just one bad sight of the way I look, I know will send me in to further panic. And if completely honest, I've been wearing the same top for the last 4 days!
That's the brilliant thing about winter You can hide your clothes with a coat and no-one knows whether you wearing the same thing the next day.
The way I feel at the moment, I'm just grateful for managing to get dressed at all. I could quite easily veg in the bedroom until Christmas is over. Instead, I veg on the sofa and grunt and moan when I have to go to the shops and then veg back on the sofa again.
Sorry for the doom and gloom, but I say it how it is.
But, there is always a positive.
The car passed. Mr C is doing all the chores and I don't have to attend any invitations or be dress up like a one of those women out of a catalogue.

[Darksky]

Could be worse, you could have been wearing the same knickers for 4 days

Those catalogue models don't look like that all the time either, I bet they are as scruffy as the rest of us most days.
Get Mr C to do that pile of ironing you've got looking at you. Although if he's as bad as mine, you'll be doing it yourself again afterwards.
Agree about the coat, last night I threw my coat over the scruffs I'd had on all day and went round Sainsbury's looking quite respectable. No one looks at you anyway. I think people, all people have their worries and problems and everyone is caught up in them, to the point, another shopper would only catch their eye if they were starkers.

Take it easy, particularly if you are going through it. On good days, make the most of them and push yourself a little further but on bad days, pushing makes you worse. I was going to suggest a walk, them I remembered your foot. That alone will be bringing you down. My sister has a broken wrist in a cast. She's very pi@@ed off with all the restrictions it brings.

if you can't bear to look in the mirror at the mo, maybe start with that. Start with your hands (no mirrors) give yourself a manicure and polish. Maybe get your feet back in flip flop mode, put some polish on the nails. Work up to your hair and have a deep mask. Just trivial pampering stuff. Nothing too taxing. It may make you feel a bit better and give you a lift

[Carnation]

Darksky, I had a good laugh about the knickers.
Mr C is rubbish with household chores, but I wonder whether he does that on purpose.
We must be have the same mindset.
I was just thinking, "I will soak my feet and do my nails."
If I'm going to have a bad foot, I might as well make it look pretty.

[Carnation]

The last couple of days have been frustrating and certainly a challenge.
I had to cut short my trip out yesterday because my foot was hurting so bad, but I cam e back ladled with another food to last until the new year. That at least takes the pressure and worry off of me. At one point I was leant against a wall with only one boot on rubbing my bad foot in desperation to make it feel better.
So today I stayed put and rested the damn thing. I now know that is three toes with damage from the clumpy heel from Mr C's shoe, which explains the pain when walking. Looks as though I am going to very uneventful Christmas. I don't mind that so much, but I would like my foot to get better.
So by now you must be bored to tears hearing about my foot. And I do have a tip today. Oranges!!! Apparently the smell of an orange/satsuma/clementime, basically any orange fruit can have a calming affect and reduces anxiety.
So, that's why we have bowls of the stuff at Christmas. It's to calm us down after all that shopping or cooking. My new habit is now a sniff of a Satsuma.
I'm actually prepared for Christmas. Or should I say, I've not gone mad with buying loads of food you can't possibly eat or make you feel as if you can't move for the next 8 hours. There's only the two of us and no hosting to family or friends. Neither of us are drinkers. Anyway, too much alcohol only messes with the chemicals in the brain and I have enough trouble trying to walk as it is. That leaves a lot of TV bingeing.
Now, one of my worries is worrying about the future. I know I shouldn't do it, because I have learnt that you can not plan your future and things change. But it's more about circumstances in the future. You know, will I be safe, will I be able, will I be alone, will I be ok?
I don't think that worry will ever go away no matter where I am and what my circumstances are at the time and I think they are normal thoughts anxiety or no anxiety. What I do know, is somehow things do tend to work out and the worry is bigger than the problem.
Another worry of mine is death! Yeah, I know I shouldn't be talking in this fashion when Christmas is only round the corner. For me, Christmas tends to brings things like this to the forefront. Even music seems more emotional this time of the year.
It is not unusual for me to wake in the morning and think, "I'm still alive!" I've been doing this since my initial breakdown 5 years ago and at one point I was frightened to go to sleep for fear of not waking up, so I used to stay up late until my body could take no more and I'd just flop to sleep. It seems excessive behaviour now and not at good idea long term for your health. But I do still wake up and those thoughts of making it through the night are the first to enter my obsessive brain.
And since my breakdown, I do see things differently. I am much more aware of my surroundings, my mortality and important things in life. I don't take anything for granted anymore.
I'm really enjoying watching the robins and their followers come for their seed directly outside my living room window. The robin is always the first one there, then follows the bullfinch, blue-tit, chaffinch, blackbirds and I think a Jenny Wren. In between them all is the wood pigeons who seem to be greediest of the lot until the Magpie sweeps down and then there is none to be seen.
I couldn't stop laughing when about a couple of months ago I planted some bulbs of tulips and daffs and nearly did my knees in with the crouching on the ground planting as per Monty Don's instructions. When I came back indoors to make myself a well earned cup of tea, the sly squirrels were bushes in the air and burrowing away at all my hard work! I shouted through the window which then turned to laughter, because after all, it's nature at it's best and I can almost sense the squirrel catching my eye and thinking, "thanks lady, I've got a weeks supply of food now".
I've been reading about nature a lot and we are closer to a plant, tree, flower, more than you realise. Our bodies repair just like a shrub produces more flowers and leaves. And the tlc we give to our garden, we should give to ourselves. It's pretty simple really, food, water, air and sun. They are the basics, but a good pep talk wouldn't go amiss.
Darksky, you will be pleased to know that I have been changing my top. Knickers go without saying.