A complex mix

[Lifeofanxiety]

Just going to post this out there....

So my depression is sort of linked to my anxiety but it is VERY complex and a unique situation I guess.

I might post more about the anxiety in the other section of the forum.

So I had anxiety problems all of my life (again those are complex, perhaps inherited, it's not as anxiety typically is). This has caused me to struggle. Struggling to make friends and make a life for myself. The people in my life that I always had were my mum and another family member. Both had really horrible illnesses and the other family member passed away first.

Already I was really low with depression because of what anxiety was doing to me. Medical professionals often misdiagnosed this. I knew though, as mum was ill too, if she passed away (which was likely sooner, rather than later), I would be in a very dire situation as things were with not only anxiety and depression but complete isolation.

I tried absolutely everything to avoid being in that situation. I contacted mums support workers, her social worker, many other gp's, the local council and even the police a few times. All to explain my situation, how I need help and in short I was hoping that by contacting them all I would get a combination of help which included being taken seriously, getting the right treatment, being involved in carer support and other activity groups and perhaps having someone who could look out for my wellbeing.


You know what? Nobody wanted to know. The responses were either there was nothing they could offer me, I am not a risk to myself or other people and so i'm not a high priority, or they would see what they can do (and I never heard back from them).


Now, last year, yep mum died and yep i'm in the situation I badly tried to avoid..... Total isolation.


Medical professionals who dealt with mum were fully aware of this but not 1 of them wanted to help while she was alive or after she passed away.


My depression levels have plummeted so low that I just don't feel I can recover.

I have explained this over and over to a new GP I saw but it's the same generic help.


I don't qualify for a support worker because I am not ill enough. The only help I do get is telephone CBT for the anxiety which is total garbage. All they do is tell me stuff I already know and make silly suggestions like walking down the road and back home.

The lowness is so bad that every second of everyday is a rock bottom. It only takes 1 thought of missing mum, not having friends due to what anxiety has caused or the feeling of loneliness to push me into going for that quick, instant fix of gambling or drinking.


I expect some might say it's escapism. But what am I actually escaping from? The situation is what it is. I'm isolated, anxiety has drained my life before the isolation and still does. I am powerless to change that.

I can't just magic up friends. I certainly can't magic back my family either.

[AntsyVee]

I am sorry that you're struggling, and that you've lost your mom. I hope that by sharing some of my story, it might help.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I, too, probably inherited my anxiety and depression. I've learned they are just flip sides of the same coin. With some life stressors, I have responded with anxiety, and with others, I have responded with depression. Other times I start out with anxiety, and then end up depressed. I know that if I stay anxious too long, in the end, it will make me depressed.

My lowest point with depression came in the early 2000s when I had a triple whammy in my life: I broke off a serious relationship and I had two deaths in my family in addition to starting a new job. I got so bad I couldn't get out of bed some mornings. I ended up having to take a leave of absence at my job because I just couldn't do anything anymore; all I did was sleep. I had to put motivational signs on my ceiling just encouraging myself to get up. The only thing that got me out of this was medication. I was just so low that my brain needed a boost.

Fast forward to 2014. I found the body of my best friend. I responded to this with extreme anxiety, and I developed PTSD. At my worst I was having panic attacks multiple times a day; reoccurring flashbacks; aversion to anything with blood (I couldn't even eat red meat for awhile); screams and loud sounds would set me off. It was horrible. To make a long story short, what got me out of this hole was medication, individual therapy and grief counseling. I still have bad days here and there. I still grieve for my buddy, but now I can grieve for him without always concentrating on the way he died.

We will always have shitty things happen to us; that's life. But we have to claw ourselves out of the holes... I try to live now for my buddy. I want to be happy and do things he didn't get a chance to do. I'm sure your mom would want you to be happy as well. She wouldn't want you being miserable.

Sometimes when I'm low I read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning." If a person who had to endure of the horrors of a concentration camp and make it out only to learn that he had lost his entire family still has hope, then there is some hope for me too.

This is just one slump in your life. It will pass, and it will get better with time. Have you thought about meds? Also, do you have any hobbies? I picked up gardening after I lost my buddy, and it's helped tremendously.

[breathefree]

That sounds like a hard situation to be in, LOA. Like you, my anxiety and depression make it hard for me to make friends and feel comfortable in the outside world, so I tend to rely on close family members for companionship. I'm terrified that something will happen to them that will leave me all alone and unable to cope, so I can understand why such a situation would make you feel anxious and depressed. I'm sure anyone would find it tough to deal with the isolation, and I can't even begin to imagine having to cope with that kind of grief on my own. That must really suck.

That being said, you are not powerless. It sounds like you're in a rough place and really want it to stop ASAP, which is totally understandable. Unfortunately, as I'm sure you're aware, it really doesn't work like that. There is no off switch, and if you're anything like me, the more you focus on how far you are from what you want to be, the worse you're going to feel. Obviously, your situation is not your fault. Anxiety and depression take away so much that other people take for granted, which is horrible and completely unfair. But that doesn't mean you can't fight back. All you have to do is be committed to putting in the time, both to find something that works for you and to keep going with it until you reach a point in your life where the good days tend to outnumber the bad.

I don't know exactly what you've learned about CBT and other forms of therapy, but the whole point of things like "walk down the road and back" is that you need to start small. No, you can't magic up friends. But you can – for example – find a group for a hobby you enjoy, or join a book club, or take a night class, or any of a dozen other things that will bring some people into your life. Maybe you'll hit it off with them, maybe you won't, but at least the possibility will be there. Similarly, starting small applies to the demands you make of yourself as well. Think of it like physical therapy after an injury: you have to build up the strength to do things that are difficult, even if it's frustrating because you think you "should" be able to do them easily. I often find it helpful to break down my goals into their smallest component parts – e.g. I used to have difficulty buying things on my own, so I started out just wandering through a shop for 1 minute before leaving because that was all I could handle. It sounds stupid on the surface, but eventually 1 minute became 2 minutes, then 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, and little by little I got to the point where I could buy things on my own without a problem. Sometimes on bad days I still find it hard, but once I realised that I had achieved one thing, momentum took over, and I ended up doing a whole lot of things I never thought I'd be able to do.

I know that when you've tried a lot of possible "cures" it's easy to believe that nothing is ever going to help you, but that's depression talking, not reality. Like AntsyVee said, things can and will get better in time. Maybe you'll never be completely "normal" but you don't have to be 100% all the time to still enjoy your life, nor does it mean you're hopeless just because you've had a bad day (or week, or month...), or because you tried but you still have relapses sometimes, or because some things are difficult for you right now (or even all the time). Don't give up on yourself!