I am heartbroken. Please help

[KatiePink]

I never thought i'd be writing this, my world has been flipped upside down and i feel so helpless.

I am pregnant with my first child, everything has been so amazing lately like a dream come true. 3 days ago my partner of 6 years who very much wanted this baby too, told me he wants to leave me and he can't do this anymore.

It seemingly came from nowhere, we had a little argument in the morning, nothing special and i certainly did not see any of this coming.

For anyone who knows me on here knows he has always been the level headed one, my absolute rock, always so positive and happy, i was so grateful to have someone who stuck by me through all of my troubles and comforted me with no complaints time after time after time. Now it seems, when we are on the cusp of a wonderful life together, it's all become too much. Here are a few things that he said when explaining to me that he wants to leave.

Don't doubt that i love you i would do anything for you and couldn't bare to see you hurt, but we're not in love are we?(Massive shock) Everything up until this moment from him said the opposite,

I feel anger instead of compassion when you need me,

You deserve better,

I have this rage inside me everyday and i just want to scream 'i want to be alone'

I could have carried on but i absolutely know this day will come,

When things are good i love my life here with you,

Those are just a few of the things mentioned, he has also said a few times since this discussion that he feels empty, numb, and hes scared of this.

We had a very emotional conversation and i didn't handle any of it well at all, i was an absolute wreck and just couldn't believe what was happening. He displayed a lot of emotion, i mean he basically broke down like i've never seen. I think he feels so guilty.

I considered that there could be another woman, which is hard to bare, i asked him straight and he said no that is not it i have never cheated on you. He goes to work and comes straight home so unless there is someone there at work who he has developed a liking to, but it's mainly a man's place of work. I cannot rule this out as a possibility because it all seems so sudden and doesn't make sense to me.

I know in my gut that he loves me, and i know he loves us, i looked back the last few months and there has been no signs of this whatsoever and i have very good intuition, i feel so stupid to have been so happy. He says he feels empty on the topic of our baby, which just crushes my heart!

I feel so alone in this, i don't want to pressure him at all and i've told him that i can see how things could have led to him being unhappy, he has dealt with a lot of crap from me with anxiety and has been nothing but loving and patient through it all, i've always told him that if he needed to talk i am here.

I can't imagine my life without him, and i know i need to think of myself and babies health but i can't help feeling this isn't him talking! Before i met him when he was in his late teens i do know he suffered from depression and was on medication for a short while, he drank a lot. When i met him he was OK and since then he's never drank and has never seemed to have a problem with depression. He does suppress his emotions i know that for sure, apart from being able to show me love, he struggles with sadness and anger.

I don't know if there is any hope for a future for us, but i would do anything, he is an amazing guy so for him to suggest leaving when i am pregnant something has gone terribly wrong.
I know this isn't a couples therapy site but i am just so down and needed to get this off my chest, I've gone from being elated to heartbroken, it physically hurts.

[MyNameIsTerry]

God, he knows when to pick his times!!!

From what you have said this sounds like it's been on his mind for a while. But before you get that far, is there any chance he might just be pooing his pants over being a dad? Like how some people have a wobble on their way to the church to get married?

Could he be depressed? Some of what he says sounds a bit like issues with self esteem.

I'm questioning why he says things like that. Is he trying to be kind to you by not saying what he really thinks?

I'm sorry because I'm adding questions when you need answers but I'm holding out hope for you that this is all in his head and now he has got it out there he may be able to work through it.

Like you say, he's an amazing guy, so I'm hoping this is a wobble or mental health issues of his own. If so, you can get through that together and perhaps as you talk he will realise he doesn't have to push you away to get through this.

It sounds like some serious talking is needed here, much of which coming from you to get the answers you need.

If it turns out to be that this is really how he feels, it's a massive kick in the gut but you will get through this. Hopefully he would be a good dad and you can both amicably move forward once you have reconciled your feelings which will be naturally all over the place (and some days you might want to cut the legs offall his trousers!).

Eitherway though, you know people here will try to help.

[KatiePink]

Thankyou Terry for replying.

Because the limited answers he's gave are confusing and sometimes contradictory, I don't know if this is some sort of breakdown or like you say, he's trying to shield me by not telling the truth.

He's not the best at talking when it comes to his own feelings, as you say it seems he's been feeling this way for a while, what I can't understand is the happiness he has shown towards baby and our future, none of it seemed false at all. I just wish I could rewind and fix whatever caused this.

If it is depression I want to help him, but I fear bringing that up would just make him close up even more.

All of this just proves that no matter how you feel you have no idea what's going on in another person's head.

[MyNameIsTerry]

When you told us you were pregnant you said you had been trying. So, it's not like this has just happened and he has felt like there wasn't a conscious decision for it.

Why would he go along with that and keep going along with it all? I would hope he would have stalled that decision if he didn't want to face breaking up or told you then. And it's been some time now.

If he was someone trying to shield you, you may know anyway from how he has been throughout the relationship. The old "it's not you, it's me" is often seen through by a partner because they've had years understanding how we treat them...and that's why so many don't buy it I bet when it is used.

Things just don't quite add up but like you say, you never can know. I just keep thinking that maybe this is about being suddenly hit with the pressure of having a tiny person to be responsible for (which is common) or perhaps some depression. When I posted earlier I skimmed over the bit at the end about depression so I handn't even taken that in. It could certainly be a possibility. It doesn't have to be a severe depression, it could be milder brought on by pressures he feels and something you can get sorted out.

He really needs to tell you exactly when this all started and why he committed to a child with you if he had doubts. If his doubts came after that, I'm leaning more the cold feet worries or anxiety/depression type stuff from what is a massive commitment. But I get what you mean about being careful if he is the type go inside himself.

I do hope you get this sorted and I hope you've got some real world people to support you through this who have the benefit of knowing him.

[KatiePink]

Yes we both decided, but I think he was the first to mention, that we should try for a baby. Granted we got pregnant on our first attempt so not much time to adjust, I understand it happened very fast and it did take me a few weeks to get my head around it.

I think so highly of him even though I'm heart broken I can't help but feel for him, I want to help, even if it means me hurting. We are going to talk later so hopefully i will know more.
I see the way he looks at me and there's nothing but love there, I asked him if he's not attracted to me anymore and maybe that was it, he completely denied that and I believe him. He doesn't seem to know himself exactlt what he's feeling, I think he really wants everything to be OK as you can tell that hurting me is killing him. The only constant I've got from him is that he feels empty and he's never felt like this, that it scares him he can't feel anything.

I've not told anyone about this yet because in my mind I want it to be something we can work through together, if it turns out not to be then I will need to reach out. I can't even fathom telling my family this after such happy news, they won't understand and I can't help with that.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Yes, family are likely to initially feel angry about it.

With him suggesting trying for a baby it is made more strange but actually I take this as a possible good sign because if he felt like the then I just can't see him bringing it up. I would expect you to bring it him and him likely trying to minimise it to see if you drop it.

This empty feeling and loving you plus still being attracted to you whilst thinking something isn't right is obviously in his head. You said it was completely unexpected to you so he somehow is perceiving what you feel for him as different to what you actually feel. Maybe self esteem again?

This just doesn't sound right, be seems quite mixed up. The more you say, the more this sounds like a problem he is experiencing rather than someone intent on breaking up because he's fallen out of love (which he says he hasn't).

Has he been losing interest in things recently? Lost motivation? Under any stress?

He could have got a bit overwhelmed by it all if there is other stress too? It just reminds me of wobbles new parents have. It would be interesting to hear what some of the parents on here think about this.

[KatiePink]

Yes, family are likely to initially feel angry about it.

With him suggesting trying for a baby it is made more strange but actually I take this as a possible good sign because if he felt like the then I just can't see him bringing it up. I would expect you to bring it him and him likely trying to minimise it to see if you drop it.

This empty feeling and loving you plus still being attracted to you whilst thinking something isn't right is obviously in his head. You said it was completely unexpected to you so he somehow is perceiving what you feel for him as different to what you actually feel. Maybe self esteem again?

This just doesn't sound right, be seems quite mixed up. The more you say, the more this sounds like a problem he is experiencing rather than someone intent on breaking up because he's fallen out of love (which he says he hasn't).

Has he been losing interest in things recently? Lost motivation? Under any stress?

He could have got a bit overwhelmed by it all if there is other stress too? It just reminds me of wobbles new parents have. It would be interesting to hear what some of the parents on here think about this.

He doesn't seem to be affected in any other way, he goes to work just fine and seems cheerful enough, but now I question whether his happy was actually happy or a cover. I would say he's irritable, and needs to keep busy a lot, he's also gone completely into gaming now as if to shut everything else out.

I know it sounds cheesy but we really did gave a great relationship, take all the anxiety and stress from that away and it was perfect he's always been such a doting partner who just adored me. I know he absolutely hates any negativity, when we've talked in the past he says it reminds him if his dad, who he doesn't have a good relationship with, and he gets angry inside when a conversation is negative although he never shows any anger towards me.

The baby may be the reason that he feels like this maybe he is frightened but doesn't know it, this is really effecting my mental health which I've come so far with I don't want a relapse because of this, other people may say stuff him and let him go, but it's not that easy when this baby and my future was planned with him. I realise now that I based my whole life around him and while loving someone is good you need to be OK on your own and ik definitely not, it's been a big eye opener for me that whatever happens I need to work on myself.

I will update later after our talk, petrified he is just going to say the worst, but that will be easier to deal with than this not knowing.

Thanks Terry

[Carnation]

Katiepink, I read your post last night and I was so surprised/shocked that I could not think of a reply. It's the timing and current situation of you being pregnant that fathoms me. I can only think he is panicking, because of the love he has shown towards you and the descision for both of you to have a baby, I really can't think why the sudden U-turn unless it was panic.
I am sure there will be other conversations that will follow beteeen the both of you snd until then, you won't really know what is going on.
When you know more, then you will be able to work something out.
In the mean time, make sure you take care of yourself. x

[Magic]

I am thinking on the same lines as Carnation KatiePink,
No mater what you must take care of yourself.
Hopefully you will have a positive conversation, and go from there.

[KatiePink]

Thankyou Carnation & Magic

We didn't manage to have the conversation we needed as we were interrupted by a family emergency(all ok) however he told me that he wanted us to 'try' that he doesn't want to just throw away the last 6 years but he's scared about how he's feeling, empty, and doesn't want to promise anything. He agreed that my anxiety and stress over the years has put him under immense pressure and even though I would always ask him to speak to me, he suppressed a lot of emotion. He said when I found out I was pregnant he wanted to be happy, but he was scared, he said he can't explain it other than it felt like a door shutting! He said he thought a family with me was what he wanted and knew how much I did, but when it happened it felt different. Now he says he doesn't feel negatively about having this baby but he feels nothing at all, which he doesn't like.

We still have talking to do, I'm scared and lost really, if it was something specific I would know I could fix it, but he's all over the place really.