Re: A complex mix
I am sorry that you're struggling, and that you've lost your mom. I hope that by sharing some of my story, it might help.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I, too, probably inherited my anxiety and depression. I've learned they are just flip sides of the same coin. With some life stressors, I have responded with anxiety, and with others, I have responded with depression. Other times I start out with anxiety, and then end up depressed. I know that if I stay anxious too long, in the end, it will make me depressed.
My lowest point with depression came in the early 2000s when I had a triple whammy in my life: I broke off a serious relationship and I had two deaths in my family in addition to starting a new job. I got so bad I couldn't get out of bed some mornings. I ended up having to take a leave of absence at my job because I just couldn't do anything anymore; all I did was sleep. I had to put motivational signs on my ceiling just encouraging myself to get up. The only thing that got me out of this was medication. I was just so low that my brain needed a boost.
Fast forward to 2014. I found the body of my best friend. I responded to this with extreme anxiety, and I developed PTSD. At my worst I was having panic attacks multiple times a day; reoccurring flashbacks; aversion to anything with blood (I couldn't even eat red meat for awhile); screams and loud sounds would set me off. It was horrible. To make a long story short, what got me out of this hole was medication, individual therapy and grief counseling. I still have bad days here and there. I still grieve for my buddy, but now I can grieve for him without always concentrating on the way he died.
We will always have shitty things happen to us; that's life. But we have to claw ourselves out of the holes... I try to live now for my buddy. I want to be happy and do things he didn't get a chance to do. I'm sure your mom would want you to be happy as well. She wouldn't want you being miserable.
Sometimes when I'm low I read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning." If a person who had to endure of the horrors of a concentration camp and make it out only to learn that he had lost his entire family still has hope, then there is some hope for me too.
This is just one slump in your life. It will pass, and it will get better with time. Have you thought about meds? Also, do you have any hobbies? I picked up gardening after I lost my buddy, and it's helped tremendously.
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I'm still a work in progress.
Currently working on: World Domination