I'm thinking about ending it

[madeinabyss27]

I have been homebound, a shut-in, for about 2 years now. The most I've done is go into my yard in that time. I've been living off savings since then and just recently begun to run out.

My problem now is I don't have money to pay child support. Because of this and missing some payments, I have been sent a letter to get to court. But I'm incapable of leaving my house without a severe anxiety attack, so not showing up to court. So by not showing up, they will issue a warrant for my arrest.

So I am here now under extreme anxiety, in my home, which was the only place that I used to feel secure. So now it's beginning to go from anxiety to suicidal thoughts because I have no good outcome.

Also, I'm very self-aware. I get that this is no one else's fault but my own. I understand i should should have sought help long ago, but I've been too embarrassed to talk about it with anyone. But I don't know the type of therapy that is even out there for someone who is incapable of even leaving his/her home.

I've never talked about this with anyone, even though I'm sure my family has noticed something is wrong. Even posting this now is embarrassing to me; I don't want to feel needy, whiny, or this desperate. But I also don't want these thoughts of ending it all because I'm not a coward, but I think I'm just overly emotional right now and it's making me think irrationally.

[lior]

Hello. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Suicidal thoughts are just thoughts. They can feel scary - but remember, they're just thoughts. They come from a place of pain, desperation, fear, hopelessness. These are feelings. Feelings pass.

You can get through this.
Help to get through this is not a weakness. You're in a difficult place. ANYONE in your place would benefit from help.

Therapy can be like taking lessons. You're going to develop into a new you, to come out of this funk. It's a bit like taking French lessons in order to be able to visit France. Therapy can help you learn how to be that new you.

There are other forms of 'help' other than therapy too. There certainly are kinds of therapy where they will come and visit you in your home. What you're going through - many other people have been through the same thing, and recovered.

It may be the case that once you own up to your problems, the child support problem may get easier to deal with.

It is not too late to get help.
You are worthy of being helped.
You don't need to be embarrassed - professionals (therapists/doctors) have heard it all before.

Do you think you could tell a friend or a family member? It may be easier to access professional help if you get someone you know to help you find a therapist.

It can be scary to talk about it but once you do, things will start to move forward in a positive way.

What small step can you take right now in order to get help?

[meant2live]

Please, talk to someone on here:https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/

It’s a chat. You don’t even have to talk to someone on the phone.

You are needed. You are loved. You are important.

[Dormouse]

Hi,
So sorry you're feeling this bad. I can totally empathise. I went through a period of chronic 24/7 anxiety for 3 months last year which left me suicidal. I was so convinced I was never going to feel ok again. After hitting rock bottom I had a period off work where I just went around in a daze just trying to get through the day. A therapist recommended that I try to normalise my life so I wasn't so focused on my own feelings. I started meeting up with friends again and going to work. I really struggled, was useless at work and didn't enjoy myself but pushed through it anyway. Gradually I started feeling a bit better and a bit better. I now feel pretty much normal most days. I've learned not to react too much if I have a bad day. I'm having a bit of a relapse at the moment (why Im back here ☺️) but it's not too bad because I know I can get through it.

I'd really recommend seeing a therapist, and trying to take it seriously. If you're not able to get out the house right now you could try an online thing like cbt4panic. That has some exercises for overcoming fear of going out places. If you're anything like me, it will really help if you force yourself to do some usual activities again. You need to some how disregard the awful feelings. Say to yourself I feel like crap but that's ok, nothing to worry about, lots of people feel this way, I'll just get on with my day despite it. I know that's REALLY difficult. It's really unfair we have to go through this but we're the only ones who can get ourselves out of it. No point sitting around waiting for a miracle. You have to drag yourself up and try to get better.

Good luck, what ever you do don't give up. This WILL pass. I thought I'd never get better and I did.

[ankietyjoe]

I've been in almost exactly the same situation as this and it does feel like there's no way out, but there is.

Don't focus on fault or blame, it's counter productive. Without help, it's really difficult to assess where you are and what your options are. Starting here is a massive step, and one that will help you find the first steps to recovery.

I assume you're a male as you're paying child support?

[Bigboyuk]

HI Have to agree with everyone else on this. I too have been there my self to the point where I have said what's the point. There is this silly and stupid stigma attached to MH conditions so get that, but you have to bypass this, you are worth helping, you can be truly helped to recover to a better state of mind and a better quality of life So make that phone call today and get on the road to recovery. ATB

[nomorepanic]

The member has not been back since posting this which is worrying for some people and also annoying for others. Just to let you all know.

[Bigboyuk]

Thank you Nic but it's not as though they haven't been back for weeks/months their first post was only recently 2 days ago. If any one wants to send them a pm then great ATB

[nomorepanic]

4 days ago but the post was reported to me by a worried member so I was keeping an eye on them coming back. This happens sometimes.

[Bigboyuk]

4 days ago but the post was reported to me by a worried member so I was keeping an eye on them coming back. This happens sometimes.

So in these cases, what is normally done let the member come back on their own accord, Admin/Mods contact them or a member contact them? Not sure how it works tbh ATB