Wow. Just stumbled across this site by accident (well kinda) but felt it would be stupid of me not to give it a go.
Until about 13/14 months ago, one of the first words I would have used to describe myself would have been laid back. I wasn't worried about the future or deadlines (I more or less sailed through my degree pretty smoothly) or getting up in front of other people (it was a drama degree) or even looking stupid in front of other people (as I say - drama degree). I enjoyed responsibility and responded to it well. I was willing to face things that scared me and I was ready to start the rest of my life.
But on the 24th November 2004 (yep it's that specific) everything changed. I was touring schools with a theatre company in Manchester and for know apparant reason just before the start of the afternoon performances on this day I became terrified that I was going to be sick. I wasn't worried about the performance or anything like that but the cause and the symptom of my fear was this sudden and irrational fear of being sick. For the rest of that tour (which continued till Christmas) I couldn't shake that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I desperately wanted the tour to end and to go back home and never perform again (something I've always loved doing in the past).
A month or so later the same company asked me back for another couple of tours and determined to face my newly developed fear of performing, I agreed to do it. They asked me four weeks before I was due to go up and they were thelongest four weeks of my life. I was completely crippled by anxiety. I couldn't eat. I was losing weight. I constantly felt sick. I was a mess but eventually the time came and I made my way back to Manchester. However, while I was there it went from bad to worse. I managed to overshadow my fear of being sick but only because it was replaced by an even more ridiculous and irrational fear. I suddenly felt terrified of needing the loo in the middle of a performance. What would happen if I needed the toilet and there was simply no way out?
Well that was in April and I still suffer with it. I can no longer perform and am terrified of doing anything that won't let me get to the loo should I need it. I'm going to see family tomorrow and am dreading the 2 and a half journey it's going to take to get there. I'm a complete mess and this one stupid little fear has completely wrecked my whole outlook on life. I hate life and myself and even my parents for bringing me into the world (it sounds stupid I know but I go through periods where I really resent them for it). I feel completely stuck with no way out. I currently work at a book shop and I'm genuinely worried that I might spend the rest of my life there because I'm too scared to get out and do the things I've always loved doing.
I'm a complete wreck and it's because of something that stops worrying most people when they're five.
Other than that, I hope you all had a merry Christmas and I wish you all a happy new year. (Sorry for the waffle).
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