Apologies for the long post but this is made up of my origial post and responses to replies that I originall posted in the GAD section but have been advised it might be better off here in the DP\DR
ok so a little background...
Just over a month ago I mad a huge mistake and did some cocaine after too much to drink. I have done it in the past but nothing regular and only when offered it after too much to drink. I know it's wrong but and will never do it again but the last time I did it, I had a huge mental anxiety attack\panic attack that has never left me. Or is some physical damage done? I mean I have had this feeling constantly.. not on and off. I have seen 2 psychiatrists and am due to start therapy.
It's been about 5 weeks now and symptoms have changed over time but wheat is now preventing me from living a normal life is some sort of either thought disorder or what seems to me to be some realization about 'time' that there is no answer to.
As time passes, the moment that was once the present becomes part of the past; and part of the future, in turn, becomes the new present. In this way time is said to pass, with a distinct present moment "moving" forward into the future and leaving the past behind.
My mind is in a constant agonizing mental block, trying to make sense of this continual change in events and time. I meant constantly!
This all started with a simple movement of my hand, which my mind then questioned.. where did that movement go? It has disappeared but where has it gone?
This is being applied to every single moment of my day to day life – constantly. It’s like my mind cannot grasp the concept of this continual change is what is present. There is no way to answer this. This is life yet my mind is no longer satisfied with this simple answer. I’m stuck in this paradox of being alive having to live with this.
I can no longer let my mind go to my memory or think of ‘past’ events as I just cannot make sense of it. The same applies to future. I cannot think of the ‘future’ because it is no longer simple – my mind cannot make sense of it
It causes a feeling of panic and intense insanity. I have lived the past month having to block out every part of my mind as there is no escape from this – this is reality. How do I escape reality? Or how can I cope with how I now perceive life? It is such a drastic change\state of mind that it has completely consumed my life and is now a constant state of mind.
I know that this is irreversible. It’s like a realisation that I just can’t make sense of, rather than a thought process. I feel trapped inside my own body and there is nothing I can do. I feel ‘stuck’ with having to be alive because I cannot make sense of what I’m feeling and I don’t actually like the concept of being alive!. My mind cannot escape from itself, nor cannot I simply think of something else. This whole concept\ realization has detached me from reality and I cannot remember what life was like before this. Part of my brain\mind is running on autopilot with the way it has known life to be for 34 years but in parallel to that, he other part is trying to battle against itself, as if it is trying to stop itself. Like trying to stop a moving train.
I feel like life as I knew it has gone and I can’t ‘unsee’ this.
Any ‘normal’ part of life has now become irrelevant – children, partner, family, work, eating, drinking, sleeping. Everything is a constant reminder of what ‘life’ now is to me – just one continual change that my mind cannot accept
I need help to at least cope with this or rid me of the constant feeling of insanity. The anxiety, feeling of panic, feeling trapped with being alive is at the surface of my mind and body constantly and has been for 5 weeks. It is mental torture.
I know this is a long post but I need serious help. It's become a physical feeling in my mind and I feel as though I'm being forced against my will to live with something that I cannot accept\understand.
This is not an 'on and off' thought process. It has consumed me and like feels like a realization about life itself. I'm actually hating being alive because it all seems so complicated now.
When my children (or anyone) talk to me for example I'm not focused on what they are saying rather wondering where the constant movements of their mouths are disappearing to. I cannot explain the mental agony of this - my mind trying to solve an unsolvable puzzle constantly.
I need someone to understand what I'm trying to describe here. I hope and pray this is something which can be treated - it has stripped me of my whole life
My biggest fear is that for some reason this whole new realisation is something that will not go away. I know my mind will never accept it and it is the only thing causing me mental agony. My mind is literally trying to constantly stop time almost, rather than just accept life how it is. Like trying to stop a speeding train with your bare hands.
I have always been a deep thinker and I feel it's turned on me in the worst possible way because there is no escape from life itself so how do I deal with that?
Is there any likely hood of this being anything else? I'm genuinely concerned I've triggered something and that no one will understand how deep it is. Illegal drugs can damage your mind so what if my drunken mistake has ruined my mind and life? What are the possibilities here?
I'm due for some cbt for this but the therapist I'm due to see is away for 2 weeks typically so I'm unable to start anything yet.
I will be honest and it never has truly gone away since it started..not for a moment of distraction. I just cannot make sense of life and the constant change of time and what is an ever changing present. It has definitely gotten worse and I'm unable to sleep to even escape. I'm on my 4th consecutive day of no sleep which is also concerning me. How long can a human go without sleep? I can't even remember what tiredness feels like l it's been so long. My mind is constantly wired with trying to accept that I'm stuck like this.
I think one of the biggest issues is for me personally, this is as scary as it gets. This is not being able to accept life itself rather than some thought process in day to day life.
To be afraid of getting ill or losing a loved one seems like heaven right now. This just feels too deep to go away. I can't even cry because that is such a simple emotion and my problem is on another level to things so normal as that.
I think as this is the scariest possibility for me, that I'm concerned my mind won't allow itself to change to something more relieving. I just can't snap out of it for a second and I honestly can't remember what it feels like to be who I was without this. I've become scared of life and even existing.
I will say that before this new symptom of being scared of life\time\exisiting\constant change in the state of time, I definitely had (have albeit with this new symptom) DP\DR. I knew nothing about it and only after matching my symptoms to others on forums did I realize what I had. That actual feeling doesn't feel so strong now as my whole mind is consumed by what I have now. The first DP/DR was a case of feeling detached and in a day dream etc etc. Now with what I have now it has removed that. The psychiatrist I saw said it had DP/DR also but I didn't have enough time to focus on the main life affecting issue I have now. I only had an hour and after he'd gone through my background\life story, I didn't have time to stress that what I'm feeling right now is what I need help with. I have some CBT in about 2 weeks so I'm hoping I can try to explain then - although I don't know how I will make it that long.
I am due to be prescribed an anti psychotic next week hopefully which I've been told will help too after taking it for 2weeks to feel the effect. He thinks it's obsessive thinking which I can understand to a certain extent but the thing that I think is affecting me most is getting a psychiatrist to realize that even that fact he is talking to me is freaking me out inside. Like that the constant movement of his mouth and words is exactly what my problem is. Or the disappearance of his words as soon as they have been said. I think this is part of what scares me, that I'm in a total paradox of being unable to be helped as the actual task of understanding the help being given, is unable to be absorbed due to the problem I have.
I have tried the acceptance thing when this first started but the complete terror and panic of it when I let it through was so much that I felt I should self admit myself to a mental health ward. It is mental agony for my mind to try and find an answer to life itself that is just not there. It's like being forced to solve a puzzle that cannot be solved with a gun to your head. And there is no end to it once it starts as every movement you do during the panic and terror is actually making it worse. As extreme as it sounds, the only solution to being scared of life itself is to end it. I know that is normally associated with depression but this is logically. There is this realization about life which I cannot make sense of and in turn has made me not like the concept of being alive
I do feel it's too much to be able to get someone to understand if I'm honest but I have to hope that I'm able to during the CBT.
Also - does anyone know how long it is possible to not sleep for? I'm on day four with no sleep and my brain is completely alert on adrenaline due to this as it really is 24\7. Even the concept of sleep freaks me out and is part of being alive.
Every movement\breath in bed is reminding me that I'm alive and time\movement is disappearing in to thin air which I cannot make sense of and it's constant panic
ANY advice on if this has been heard of before would be appreciated. Or even if I'm making sense with what I'm saying
Is there anything that could be signalling some other psychological disorder?
thanks in advance!
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by CArl_34_m_UK
