I'm really struggling

[Jenijar]

Hi all, this is my first time posting on here and I'm just hoping for some support, as I feel so desperately low with this. I believe I'm suffering with DP/DR. I don't feel like a person anymore, I barely feel like I exist at all. Things seem strange to me. Having a shower feels really strange because I don't feel properly there. I question and analyse things all the time, like really simple things until they lose their meaning. I feel like everyone else is part of the normal world but I can't get back to it. It scares me so much and I feel very depressed. I feel like never going to get better. I'm signed off work with depression, I take meds and I'm due to have some therapy soon. I just don't feel I can go on like this anymore it's too hard, it's like mental torture everyday. By evening I sometimes feel a bit better but when the next day comes I feel back to square one if not worse. I made the mistake of reading dpself help forum and loads of people on there say they have had it years. I'm just not strong enough to cope with this for years, I feel like loosing my mind. It makes me feel like I just don't want to live anymore, but I wouldn't want to devastate my family by acting on that thought. Will I ever get through this?

[debs71]

Yes.....you will!!

I felt the exact way you do now, many years ago when first diagnosed with depression, anxiety and panic disorder. What you describe is definitely DP/DR, and it is very, very normal and common with high anxiety. I still get it every now and again, but much less intensely than I did, only when my anxiety or stress levels are up a bit, but once you understand that it is just a side effect of anxiety, it does make it easier to tackle.

Don't read another word or listen to those scaremongering stories about it lasting for years. That is simply not true.....a load of bull, frankly. What they may ACTUALLY mean is that they periodically suffer DP/DR when their anxiety creeps up again.....there is no way IMO that it can last non-stop for years.

When I first had it, it was the most terrifying thing for me about my anxiety issues. Feeling spaced out, like I wasn't really me, like everything around me was a dream or like I was watching a film around me.....totally weird and very frightening. Like you, I found mornings horrendous. I used to wake up with nail marks in my hand (from clenching my fists in my sleep,) feeling edgy, mentally panicked, spaced out, and as the day went on into evening, I slowly felt a bit better.

How long have you been on the meds? If it is still early days, they should help get rid of the DP/DR as your anxiety decreases. Anxiety drives the DP/DR, and it is just the brain/mind's way of trying to detach itself from the high anxiety, so it kind of cushions you from it, which creates the 'out of body' feelings and weirdness. As anxiety gets better, that feeling gets better.

Both the meds and therapy should really help you a lot with this. I promise you that you ARE NOT going crazy or going to lose your mind. This is just anxiety doing its worst, and it will get better for you.

Another thing that helps greatly is firstly being around your family and friends as much as possible, and trying to stay grounded in reality and the familiar things. This helps with the weird feelings and thoughts, as does a LOT of distraction techniques....whatever you find enjoyment in - things like going out shopping, going for a walk/exercise, watching a DVD or playing games on the PC.....anything that diverts the brain from the anxiety and DP/DR. The mind struggles to stay spaced out if it is trying to do something else at the same time, so distraction is a key thing that helps!!

Don't lose heart! Things will get better for you!! xx

[Jenijar]

Hi Debs,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, I really appreciate it.
Yes it really is terrifying, I can deal with all the physical symptoms of anxiety such as churning stomach, racing heart etc but DP/DR is just so frightening.
The existential and other strange thoughts that accompany it are also so difficult to deal with and make me feel like I'm loosing my mind.

Yes I am on meds, I'm on 15mg of escitalopram which I've been on for a few months (although I did have a break of 11 days when I tried Prozac instead but that made my anxiety go through the roof, so the dr switched me back to escitalopram). I've since in the last 2 weeks been put on quetiapine 75mg a day, it's supposed to help with my obsessive thoughts (I also have OCD) but I feel it's making me more depressed. I also take lorazepam 1mg twice a day but the dr said she won't give me any more of that incase I get addicted (but I think it helps my anxiety) and I've just been prescribed Mirtazapine 15mg for depression which I've been taking the last 3 nights and have been told to increase it to 30mg after 4 nights. So quite a few meds!

I meant to be having some psychotherapy soon but I'm waiting to hear when this will be.

I do find talking to family and friends help me feel more in the normal world. I've managed to go for a few walks but other than that I spend most my time in the house as I'm too anxious to go anywhere else, because it feels so strange being in a shop or pub or driving places.

Thank you again for replying to be, you have helped bring some reassurance to me xx

---------- Post added at 22:23 ---------- Previous post was at 21:53 ----------

Hi Debs
Also did you feel like once you'd felt that way, life could never go back to normal? X

[debs71]

Aaah...ok. This makes a lot of sense now as to why you still might be feeling the DP/DR, hon.

You have had quite a mix of meds, and not a lot of real consistency yet. Also each med will be probably creating side effects, so you have doubtless been experiencing side effects with each new med/med change. The side effects will heighten your anxiety, so that may be triggering your ongoing DP/DR symptoms.

I'm also on Escitalopram (10mg) I am interested as to why your doc added another med for your depression....I also suffer from depression as well as GAD and panic disorder, and Escitalopram treats both depression and GAD (according to the doc who originally prescribed it many years ago, at least) but I guess it depends on the individual and what they are finding works or doesn't for them personally.

I really do suspect that all the different meds may be the guilty party here, hon. It is a lot for you to deal with, so no wonder the DP is hanging around. I think that maybe if you are able to settle on a certain drug or combination with time, you will see a vast improvement in the DP symptoms and will turn a corner....the psychotherapy sounds like a good plan too. I had counselling through MIND and found it really helpful to address the triggers and causes of my mental health issues.

I'm so glad that being with family, etc. helps you. Don't worry about the public stuff like shops, pubs and all that. That will come with time once your anxiety calms a bit. That too I can really relate to. When my anxiety was very bad a few years ago, I also felt so spaced out in public areas like shops and restaurants, which then triggered a panic attack, so I started avoiding going places. Little by little it got better once my anxiety calmed down.....I promise that will for you too.

Yes, I definitely felt like life wouldn't go back to normal when I was like that with the DP/DR. It really does make you feel like you are on a slippery slope downwards into insanity, but you really are not. The anxiety is just so overwhelming that it tricks our minds, and of course with a confused and scared mind, we just think it will never end, but it honestly does. xx

[Jenijar]

Hi Debs, thank you for your reply, I really appreciate you taking the time to write back to me.

The dr prescribed me Mirtazapine because she didn't think the escitalopram was doing enough for me, she wanted to take me off the escitalopram but I didn't want to come off it so she said I could take both. I had previously tried to up my dose of escitalopram to 20mg but that made me feel weird so I decreased back to 10mg. The DP feels worse since I've been taking the extra meds.

This strange feeling really depresses me, my mum says I just have to ride it out until it passes, but it terrifies me feeling this way. When I wake in the morning I don't feel like a person at all. Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually dead but don't know it, how crazy does that sound?! I just feel like I don't have it in me to deal with it everyday, it makes me feel like I just want to end it all, but I can't put my parents through that.

I managed to go to the shops today with a friend, I felt so strange on the journey there (it's hard to find any words that describe just how strange I feel), felt strange in the shops too and then went for a walk along the river and felt a little less strange then. Maybe if I can keep going out it will help. X