To get the vaccine or not

[Scottyboy]

OCD is the doubting disease - you keep feeding it by engaging in “trying to figure things out” and to control and establish certainty.<--absolutely

you’ve managed to create a fantasy in your head step by step of how you could have been contaminated <---just worried it isn't a fantasy

I guess, I think the genesis is important because if the memory is real, I would need to go and get the shots, and that is what I keep circling around to. I can live with the intrusive thoughts, and learn how to cope with them, and want to learn how to cope with them, but I can't just not get the vaccine if indeed, I did get bitten. Believe me, I would love to focus my energy somewhere else, and am actually getting ready to start a couple of online classes, which should accomplish just that. I also had my first therapy session with a psychologist yesterday and set up weekly appointments to start CBT which I'm really thrilled about. She was very nice, and I'm hoping we're going to be a good fit! I already like her better than the psychiatrist I saw. Again, I want to move on, but I also want to be sure that I'm not just repressing an important event (getting bitten) in order to do so.

Also, I woke up this morning feeling pretty calm. I had talked myself down from yesterday, telling myself, "okay, worst case scenario, even if it was a bat that flew past you at 8am yesterday morning, it didn't even touch you. But it was a bird. There are so many birds around this house. It glided right past you into another tree/bush. Bats don't glide, birds glide." Then, into my head pops a vivid memory of whatever it was yesterday morning, flying directly into my head, fluttering around in my hair, and me swatting it away. Brain says, "It was a bat and it fluttered around in your hair, bit you on the scalp, and flew away." Now, I don't want to be the girl who cried wolf, and my fears not be taken seriously, although I'm sure I've already earned that title... but now I'm worried that I've remembered important details from yesterday.

You would know if a bat flew in your hair.

[Fishmanpa]

Are you getting any real life help with this? I ask because your thoughts are so fantastical in nature that its concerning. Respectfully, what you describe is just not realistic nor fact based. It's also concerning because they might cross over into other parts of your life and affect you negatively there too :(

Positive thoughts

[Panicandpeace]

Are you getting any real life help with this? I ask because your thoughts are so fantastical in nature that its concerning. Respectfully, what you describe is just not realistic nor fact based. It's also concerning because they might cross over into other parts of your life and affect you negatively there too :(

Positive thoughts

your thoughts are so fantastical in nature that its concerning

They definitely concern me too, but more so because I don't trust which memories are real anymore... this hasn't ever been a problem until very recently.

what you describe is just not realistic nor fact based

I think part of it is also that I've always tended to be quite intuitive, and almost scary psychic at times... so that sort of thinking doesn't help because I'm like, yeah, so you probably didn't get rabies from that squirrel 7 years ago, but you're going to get in some other way or you've gotten it some other way... Then we have the phobia of bats... Then we have the bat on the sidewalk, the bat flying into my hair, etc... I can't shake the feeling that I've come into contact with a bat. Today, I almost emailed a vet I used to take my boss's dog to, when I lived in another state for a few years, because while I was there one day, I was petting one of her cats (she ran her office out of her house) and it kind of scratched/bit me. I remember right before that, she had asked if I was a cat person, because that cat was usually weary of strangers, but it had come up to me being very friendly... naturally, I now think there was something wrong with the cat. The house was in a very woodsy area. I'd seen just about every wild animal you could think of while living there. I know that's ridiculous.

Are you getting any real life help with this?

I am starting CBT with a psychologist. I had my first appointment this past week, which was really just her getting a lot of intake information, but we've set up weekly appointments. I'm hopeful about this. I've also ordered a few books/workbooks that I've seen mentioned on here and elsewhere. I have to have surgery in a month (if I haven't died of rabies by then...), and I really want to get this at least somewhat under control before then.

[Panicandpeace]

You would know if a bat flew in your hair.

You would think...It's like the bat on the sidewalk. I can see it happening in my mind, and I can replay the incident. It seems/feels real. So is that what happened? And it's just wishful thinking that it was a bird that flew past me? The only part of my body that was exposed was my head and hands (cold day), so of course, there is a spot on my scalp that hurts.

I can also see the same scenario in which whatever it was, just flew right past me. So, now my brain is saying, which memory is real? If you pick the wrong memory, you're a goner. Believe me, it's infuriating and frustrating, and obviously anxiety inducing.

[Panicandpeace]

So today, as I was changing, I noticed two small pin prick marks on my hip, about 2-3mm apart. A little redness around the marks. I mean, it's pretty random. I have pretty clear skin, and there's no other redness anywhere else. I'm worried this is a bat bite mark that I overlooked/didn't notice on Friday when whatever it was flew in front of me. I'm worried because I was wearing a thin sweater, so maybe I got bitten superficially through the sweater, but not enough to feel anything. I mean, there are so many sources that say you can get bitten by a bat and not know it because their teeth are so small and sharp... I might call the health department tomorrow and see what they think. The thing is, this time I did see something fly past me.

Photos attached for reference

[NervUs]

You can't a shot everytime something flies near you.

[Panicandpeace]

You can't a shot every time something flies near you.

I totally agree... and I wouldn't be tempted to get a shot every time something flies by me if I got the vaccine. I called the health department. The doctor there was less reassuring (surprise surprise...nothing can reassure us, can it?) than I'd hoped. He said that while it didn't sound like anything had bitten me if it just flew past, it was a bit weird that I had marks like that on my skin, and recommended seeing my PCP to get assessed. He then gave me his name and direct number so that my doctor could call him. My doctor has no availability today...

Also talked to my therapist today. It's helpful to have someone to talk to about it, but I mean, this was only my second session, so it's not like I'm feeling particularly less anxious yet.

I'm just so upset because, I was calming down, and then these damn marks presented themselves. If it were three marks, 6 marks, any other number, I'd be fine. It just looks like a perfect little bat bite.

---------- Post added at 13:00 ---------- Previous post was at 12:20 ----------

Update: I did a teledoc phone call, and sent in the photo of the bite, and the doctor I spoke with said, he didn't think it was any cause for concern.

[NervUs]

Outsiders Perspective- you are working really hard to substantiate that a bat bit you, even though you KNOW your brain concocts stories about bats from simply walking outside the door.

You need to get yourself to a point that seeing two marks on the skin does not cause you to phone the health department and teledocs and make appointments with real docs. Most people do not make doctors appointments because of completely trivial marks. And, in all honesty, a doctor can NOT tell you what caused a mark like that. It's not possible. You have to find a way to live with not knowing. Ideally, you would get to a point of seeing a mark and not thinking bat. In the story, you mentioned the BIRD flew by your head so why is it now a bat that bit your hip? Nothing adds up and you need to find a way of looking inward to come to your answer rather than trying to find an authority figure who can do it for you. My two cents.

[Panicandpeace]

Outsiders Perspective- you are working really hard to substantiate that a bat bit you, even though you KNOW your brain concocts stories about bats from simply walking outside the door.

You need to get yourself to a point that seeing two marks on the skin does not cause you to phone the health department and teledocs and make appointments with real docs. Most people do not make doctors appointments because of completely trivial marks. And, in all honesty, a doctor can NOT tell you what caused a mark like that. It's not possible. You have to find a way to live with not knowing. Ideally, you would get to a point of seeing a mark and not thinking bat. In the story, you mentioned the BIRD flew by your head so why is it now a bat that bit your hip? Nothing adds up and you need to find a way of looking inward to come to your answer rather than trying to find an authority figure who can do it for you. My two cents.

you are working really hard to substantiate that a bat bit you, even though you KNOW your brain concocts stories about bats from simply walking outside the door.
I don't disagree with you at all. You basically said what my therapist said, which is that, you have this phobia of bats/rabies so your mind is primed to that, and that then leads to your mind filling in the blanks... and always filling in those blanks with situations with bats, but deep down you know that you haven't seen a bat. I am working on believing that, and I know that's going to take some work. It was just unfortunate timing that something flew so closely to me, an again quite unfortunate to have mark on my body shortly thereafter. I know my mind is searching and reaching, but it doesn't have to reach far when things like that happen and push me right back over the edge.

Most people do not make doctors appointments because of completely trivial marks. And, in all honesty, a doctor can NOT tell you what caused a mark like that. It's not possible. You have to find a way to live with not knowing. Ideally, you would get to a point of seeing a mark and not thinking bat.
Yes, I'd love to get to this place, and was obviously in this place not that long ago. I just called because if there was any concern, they'd tell me. Which is what the health department did, and why I scheduled a teledoc appointment. Since he looked at the photos, and I explained the situation and didn't seem concerned, I'm trying to accept that and move on. And yes, I'd love to not see a mark and think "bat bite," but again, it was the timing of the marks (and the fact that there are 2) and the fly by on Friday.

In the story, you mentioned the BIRD flew by your head so why is it now a bat that bit your hip?
To clarify, I said whatever it was flew in front of me or past me, but the "filling in the blanks" memory was giving me an image of a bat in the hair. So when I saw the marks, I thought, okay with the first memory of it flying more in front of you, that trajectory was more in line with that area of your hip, and deep down you know that is the real memory (the thing flying in front of me), not the bat in your hair. That's why I started to panic. Again, I didn't think anything touched me at the time. I know there are articles saying you might not feel a bat bite, but surely, if you're wide awake and one hits you in the hip, you'd at least feel it flapping. Not to mention, don't bats have to catch some air under their wings to start flying, so if they flew into something and landed, wouldn't they have to significantly take off again? And I think to myself, why would you notice a mark two days later? A two day old mark wouldn't be that red/irritated. You've pinched yourself or something. Anyway, these are the rational thoughts I've tried to calm myself down with.

I'm really trying. I am.

[NervUs]

I know you are trying. Intrusive thoughts are really hard to fight. I went through this with bats, after finding a dead one in the house, and for awhile I thought I saw them everywhere. It is very hard, but you have to remind yourself you are unwell when these thoughts flood. And NOT go to the doctor. I know it feels like a real risk to your life, which is what makes it so hard....but unfortunately, this is the cross we have to bear.