Oh man, I failed hard today...(disease trigger warn)

[SnowyGreen]

Sounds like you are dressed in full battle armour, fighting, waging war and yelling at.......... nothing.

I used to be like that too. I'm not anymore, I am much better, and you will be one day too. This is just a blip in your journey.

[Shadowhawk]

Sounds like you are dressed in full battle armour, fighting, waging war and yelling at.......... nothing.

I used to be like that too. I'm not anymore, I am much better, and you will be one day too. This is just a blip in your journey.

I am scared this is the end of my journey. I am beyond saving at this point, and no hope left. I can't turn my mind off of the fear. Even worse, it comes just as i was getting other things in my life squared away. I have lost 75lb, i am working out... but now this...


I cannot understand how a test can come back as a "more than no" and it not be right (regardless of the other tests saying no.. i can't explain that). And so i am terrified my brain is rotting as we speak, and everyone will blow it off until it is too late.

[SarahNah]

I work in a sexual health clinic like I said before, I do a lot of paper work. We have 100's of people getting tested a week. I've worked there two years, no once have we had a issue with test results causing some big long term issue. A test can be thrown for a number of reasons, natural or unnatural.

I've had a few friends with sexual disease, I even have one friend HIV positive. From all of my personal experience dealing with things like this. I really think you're okay which I know is hard to hear- sure I'm having my own anxiety issues and it's rich for me to say that !

[Shadowhawk]

I know what you mean about the test results, as I have already had several doctors tell me the first, given the other results was a false positive. I just wish I could understand how that could possibly happen. Even the ID doc said I only needed to come in if I wanted to.. obviously with my worry, I will.. I may just ask if antibiotics make sense anyway just to be sure .

And while I know lots of people are ok, I just fear my brain already rotting away and that I am too far gone to be saved (due to disease).. it is so depressing, I can't even enjoy my time with my daughter.

[SnowyGreen]

How are you doing today?

[Shadowhawk]

How are you doing today?

I appreciate the asking, but sadly, i can't give a happy answer. I am doing absolutely horrible right now, on the eve of seeing the doctor. Last night and this morning i kept doing the Romberg test to see how bad i was (even though of course i know i am not a doctor), and worrying about the fact that my balance is not perfect (and must be a horrible sign).


Basically, i can't get my mind to accept that the first maybe test was false, and assume that the negative confirmation test must be the false one and my brain is really rotting... and still feel disgusting.. And to top if off, i have had a headache for a week (back of my head, with pain/pressure focused on my temples by my eyes)..

[SnowyGreen]

I appreciate the asking, but sadly, i can't give a happy answer. I am doing absolutely horrible right now, on the eve of seeing the doctor. Last night and this morning i kept doing the Romberg test to see how bad i was (even though of course i know i am not a doctor), and worrying about the fact that my balance is not perfect (and must be a horrible sign).


Basically, i can't get my mind to accept that the first maybe test was false, and assume that the negative confirmation test must be the false one and my brain is really rotting... and still feel disgusting.. And to top if off, i have had a headache for a week (back of my head, with pain/pressure focused on my temples by my eyes)..

The headache is understandable, with all the worrying you are doing, you are bound to manifest physical symptoms.

It seems like your doctor has taken into account everything, not just a false positive lab report and determined that you are fine.

You had two negative tests, so why not focus on those instead? I know it is easier said than done, but soon you're just going to have to rationalise with yourself that you have been checked over, you are fine. When your mind begins to worry and think those thoughts again, let them come and flow back out without giving them any extra attention. If you can try that for a while, eventually your mind will begin to clear and you will be able to think rationally.

I had a friend who had a false positive report for something, and every other test was negative. So these things do happen, and more often than we may be aware of.

My balance is not perfect either and I'm not worried about syphilis.

I know how hard it is to battle with your own mind, and people can give advice, but only you can take the steps to heal.

[Shadowhawk]

The headache is understandable, with all the worrying you are doing, you are bound to manifest physical symptoms.

It seems like your doctor has taken into account everything, not just a false positive lab report and determined that you are fine.

You had two negative tests, so why not focus on those instead? I know it is easier said than done, but soon you're just going to have to rationalise with yourself that you have been checked over, you are fine. When your mind begins to worry and think those thoughts again, let them come and flow back out without giving them any extra attention. If you can try that for a while, eventually your mind will begin to clear and you will be able to think rationally.

I had a friend who had a false positive report for something, and every other test was negative. So these things do happen, and more often than we may be aware of.

My balance is not perfect either and I'm not worried about syphilis.

I know how hard it is to battle with your own mind, and people can give advice, but only you can take the steps to heal.

I know that is the logical thought about the headaches, but ever since it was mentioned, I cannot shake it. I even am looking at other things like my typing, and concerned about that (my cell phone typing has always been bad, but now I am concerned it is for a different reason..

I am seeing the disease doctor tomorrow, and hopefully she can clear up all the concerns. She already said, reviewing the test results, it was up to me to come in, and I am glad I kept the appointment. I may ask for a course of antibiotics just to be sure, since I am so damn afraid of this. Since there is room for doubt...

This really is a horrible battle, and I have lot so much headway on my progress to getting better. I am twitchy again, which only doubles my worry. I question if I am walking right, or if I am having other issues. It really is a living hell for me right now...

[SnowyGreen]

I know that is the logical thought about the headaches, but ever since it was mentioned, I cannot shake it. I even am looking at other things like my typing, and concerned about that (my cell phone typing has always been bad, but now I am concerned it is for a different reason..

I am seeing the disease doctor tomorrow, and hopefully she can clear up all the concerns. She already said, reviewing the test results, it was up to me to come in, and I am glad I kept the appointment. I may ask for a course of antibiotics just to be sure, since I am so damn afraid of this. Since there is room for doubt...

This really is a horrible battle, and I have lot so much headway on my progress to getting better. I am twitchy again, which only doubles my worry. I question if I am walking right, or if I am having other issues. It really is a living hell for me right now...

I understand it is a living hell, I have been where you are. Just know there is light at the end of this, and one day you will look back and wonder what you were thinking.

Also, you haven't lost any headway on your way to recovery. This is what recovery is like, setbacks and blips along the way, it is never a straight line to recovery. This is what mine was like too, I had terrible setbacks. Just remember, one day, this current struggle will be over and you will again be on your way to recovery.

Let us know how it goes tomorrow with your appointment.

[Shadowhawk]

Well, spoke with the ID who noted a few things (specifically my change in diet and pre diabetic state) that could have tripped up the first test or simple lab error. She agreed that I have no reason to suspect an infection. She noted that since it's been 3 years since my last possible encounter (**** that hurts) a real infection would be lighting up the board by now (acknowledging that the RPR could be negative, the others would be solidly positive).

Other than just having my GP follow up with repeat tests (if desired), I have doctor's orders to put this past me and live. So, now on with the therapy and better meds...

---------- Post added at 17:29 ---------- Previous post was at 16:06 ----------

Not more than an hour later and I am still worried.. I have literally had 4 docs, one being the specialist, tell me the reactive test is false, and I still cannot accept that I am ok. I am still in a low level panic that they are wrong, the equivical test must be the right one (because only bad news can be right)..

I really don't know how to keep living like this...