Relapse 2 - Meh!

[Dafyddjohndavies]

My last relapse was around 5 years ago, I went through a period of insomnia and extreme anxiety and depression. I got through this after a couple of months and since the have been fairly good. I've had general anxiety here and there but nothing I couldn't cope with.

Then, 5 weeks ago, I had an anxiety attack out of nowhere, and from then on I couldn't sleep. Depression quickly followed and I was in a very dark place. I started believing the voices in my head telling me that I was useless, and I was a burden on everyone. My appetite completely dissapeared and my bowel shut down. It was horrific. I went to the doctor who gave me sleeping tabs (zopiclone) and they did nothing. A standard dose is 3.75mg and I tried 3 tablets one night which did nothing. My brain was overiding everything. I felt riddled with anxiety and I reached a point where I completely broke down. Started violently balling my eyes out, and this lasted about 45mins of hysterical crying which I couldn't stop. It felt like a poison was being expelled from my body. Once it was all out I felt shattered. I slept that night and since then it's been getting slowly better.

I got to a point where I was down to half doses of the sleeping tabs and sleeping through the night. I felt on Monday I was ready to return to work and went in with a bit of confidence but still feeling really anxious. The day went really well and I felt like i was getting somewhere. Then on Monday night the insomnia returned and I didn't sleep a wink. I decided to go to work regardless, but I lasted an hour before breaking down in the office in front of everyone. Not ideal! Was told it was best I worked from home... which I did.

Yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotion but I managed to get myself back to feeling ok. Then in the evening I struggled to sleep but I did drop off and feel a bit less mental today.

So I'm still in the middle of this shit, and healing. However I just wanted to write here to share my story and also to point out something I've learned. I have been under a lot of stress over the past 6 months and my mental health was slowly declining, which I ignored. It started off with anger. I just felt pissed off with everything and everyone. I was trying to figure out the source of the anger and as my wife was the nearest target I attached it to her. I convinced myself I didn't love her anymore and that this was the source of my pain. This kept going for a while and I stopped participating in the relationship. I struggled with energy and just felt constantly tired. I could feel depression in the background which I kept ignoring. Nothing I did made me feel better.

This carried on for months, and I was miserable and making everyone else miserable around me. I blamed the new house we lived in, my loss of freedom due to having kids, my wife, my job... I wanted to blame everyone except myself. But the truth is it took a full relapse to truly understand what was important in my life and it showed me, by force, that it was me that was causing this. I realised that I had stopped participating, I was no longer in control and had stopped being present. I'd checked out of everything, like being on auto pilot. The warning signs were there the whole time and getting stronger but I couldn't see that I was the one causing this.

My actions (or lack of) pushed me to this point. Taking the easy road, not going out, not bothering with friends, doing the bare minimum.. it pushed me to the point of hopelessness. It's so easy to do and so damaging.

So the main message here is that a relapse is there as a teaching tool. Your brain has been trying to tell you something for a long time which you're not listening to and you reach a point where it has to physically disable you to listen to it. It's a painful, horrific experience but it strips away all the bullshit and shows you what's important.

I'm still at the beginning of recovery and I have a way to go. But I have learned that the warning signs were there. Pay attention to them. Is there somthing you feel you're missing from your life? Don't put it off. it for a reason, you need it tYou need these experiences to maintain a healthy brain. Put yourself out there, just do it.

Life happens when you're outside your comfort zone. The comfort zone is the enemy.

Anyway I hope this brings some positive information to someone.

[pulisa]

The comfort zone is the enemy-how very true.

Thank you very much for such and insightful and strong post and I've no doubt that you will take knowledge from this blip and go on to make a full recovery.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I agree with pulisa. I used to call it my "bubble". Expand it out and confidence grows but as you retreat into more & more avoidance it shrinks and expanding it back out again is an uphill struggle of exposure exercises. It's like learning to live again except this time this annoying inner chimp is fighting you all the way.

[Scass]

Glad you’re getting better. Thanks for the post!


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[Dafyddjohndavies]

*Update*

So it's been a couple of weeks since that original post. Everyday since has been continuing down the tracks on the recovery train. I had a completely lucid moment last week where I finally understood why I was suffering from my anxiety/panic disorder.

For 13 years I convinced myself there was something physically wrong with me, some sort of chemical imbalance or something else that made it not my fault that I was suffering. I'd been to multiple doctors appointments and hospital visits which basically ruled out all potentials life threatening illnesses. Blood tests always came back fine. I couldn't believe that these horrific symptoms could be caused by my brain.

But last week I saw clearly the moment that this started and I finally understood the thought process. It's about control... I had a panic attack in 2005 after taking some party substances and I remember trying to control my breathing to fight my way out, but it just made things worse. Once the anxiety took hold my reaction to fight it and try to control it gave me the opposite reaction to what I wanted. It made me anxious and panic.

I was subconciosly breath holding, and then breathing deeply/fast, trying to control the flow of air into my lungs to try to stay calm. It turns out trying to take control of an automatic function makes it not function very well.

I realised that if I watched my body, and watched the sensations within myself without being taken in by them, not judging them I was able to break the cycle. If I felt anxious I could become aware of the sensation and allow myself to feel it. Just allow it to be there and feel the sensation. It took a little time but within 20-20mins the anxiety dissapeared and left me with a feeling of freedom and joy. I've been doing that ever since and since Sunday I am now medication free sleeping for the first time in 8 weeks and I feel pretty good.

I'm still jaded by my experience and feel a little fragile but I feel like i'm getting my head around this shit... finally.

I go to a hypnotherapist and he has been instrumental in getting me to this place. He told me yesterday that the insomnia I've gone through is my brains way of making me face up to the trauma I experienced in the past. I have finally been able to accept the pain. I reccommend hypnotherapy to everyone!!! I've tried all sorts of therapy with varying results, however this therapy has been amazing.

Onwards and upwards.... I'm getting there.