Ok. I'm gonna make this short and sweet.
I have GAD with Obsessive tendencies. This is my first serious long-term relationship as an adult, where I have actually made myself vulnerable. I am perfectionistic and analytical by nature, which causes anxiety. I have difficulty accepting what I cannot control and not knowing the outcome. So, of course that is a relationship in a nutshell.
I obsess, ruminate, research, analyze, catastrophize and constantly worry "what ifs" about the future of my relationship, if i love my boyfriend enough, if we will get divorced, if i'm just fooling myself, etc. My obsession started innocently as just trying to make sure everything is perfect because I had just fallen in love. But it spiraled, so a year into our relationship my severe hypochondria disappeared and turned into this mess.
He's great. I love him. We are best friends. We live together. He's the first person I go to for good and bad news. When I'm sad, all I want to do is hug him as tight as I can. Even when I'm sad because of my shitty thoughts. The clouds will separate for a few days and I feel so happy and everything is amazing, and then ill trigger myself and get disconnected because i'm too hyper-sensitive from my anxiety. He's a lil more moody than average, but my brain takes it as an insult because im always on-edge. My anxiety has taken a huge toll on my relationship and made me slightly depressed because I am so anxious all the time and create these dynamics that don't even exist because I think myself into oblivion most days. I worry about other things too, but they are fleeting compared to this.
I just started 5mg Lexapro yesterday. No side effects (or maybe perhaps increased anxiety, lol), just a little tired after taking it. But I CANNOT stop obsessing about if I suddenly realize that none of it was anxiety, that the whole time our relationship was horrible, and that I don't like my boyfriend and that i'll break up with him. That I was just so scared of being alone i convinced myself it was just anxiety. (Im not scared of being alone tho, btw.) Or i'll get better but it will be too late because I already did so much damage. Especially because these days he has been on my nerves since I have been really feeling depressed from all of my anxiety.
And all of these stories of people being emotionally blunted and divorcing their spouses?? I am absolutely horrified. I stared at the pill for a solid ten minutes just to get the courage to take it because I was worried about side effects. And now this!
Ahh!!
I understand, the decision I make will be of sound mind, and that I have nothing to lose. I want to stop living in this dark, fearful cellar. But I'm still just so terrified of my love fading, or losing my best friend.
So much for that being short lol