Endless, Unchanging Years

[Rain]

I don’t post a lot about my problems but tonight I feel so strongly that I am in a static position in life, never making any progress, and dealing with the same issues year in, year out.

Basically, I have been agoraphobic for over eleven years with very strong social anxiety. I have had lots of treatment for this; psychotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy and hypnotherapy. The CBT was free, (which I got after a very long wait) and I had to pay for the other treatments. My last treatment was seven years ago, which I know is a long time but I cannot afford any new treatment. I have to some extent accepted that I will always be socially very limited and it doesn’t even bother me that much. I don’t miss the outside world to any huge degree. I’m not sure I actually believe I will ever get better.

One of the problems that this brings, however, is that we are struggling desperately financially because we live on my partners wage alone. Disability benefits are means tested here and because my partner works, I am not entitled to anything. I am alone for a minimum of ten hours every day while my partner goes to work. I suffer intensely from boredom and a lack of a sense of purpose. I have a couple of hobbies but you can’t do the same thing endlessly. I am often cold because we can’t always afford heating. I get very scared when I am alone after dark because we had a horrible experience with an intruder some years ago. I have no friends at all in the real world. The internet is my lifeline.

I had a psychotic breakdown ten years ago and was first on Olanzapine (Zyprexa) and then Abilify. This medication, plus quitting smoking in 2005 and hitting middle age made me gain a huge amount of weight. I am now dangerously heavy. I find it impossible to diet for any long period of time because when I am bored and cold, a snack cheers me up and gives me something to do. I don’t eat a lot but my metabolism seems to have slowed down massively. I can go for walks in the lane I live on if my partner comes with me and if it is early in the morning when no one is about. However, winter weather and my partner being tired from working overtime means that this doesn’t happen often.

I sometimes feel that I will go mad if I don’t find something to do and worry I will die relatively young if I don’t lose some weight. I feel powerless to change anything in my life. We bought a wood burning stove in September which should mean the end of being cold but have been waiting for months for a workman to come out and connect it. I feel all I do is wait for things to change and make resolutions I can’t keep.

[Rain]

I’ve been tossing and turning for most of the night trying to think of ways to improve my life. One thing I would like to do is start a routine of walking up and down my drive every day. It is a few hundred yards long and on a hill, so would be great for getting fitter. The problem is, it runs parallel to the lane where people can drive or walk up and down. I have a very strange and nosey neighbour who lives about 500 yards away and whenever he sees me going into the garden he comes and stands on the road and stares at me. I know he’s not quite the full shilling and I should ignore him, but the mere sight of him makes me panic. I don’t know how to get the courage to start walking there, but I can see that the fault in my life is that I am dependant on other people to take me out for a walk.

[hanshan]

I really feel for you. Hang in there.

For activity, is there some form of activity you can do around the house, so you aren't in sight of the nosey neighbour - eg gardening?

For work, is there some form of work you can do from home via a computer? I know there are a lot of scams out there, so be wary.

[Serenitie]

Hi Rain,

I was agoraphobic to the point I could not leave my home to go to the corner shop just a few months ago. I now meet with friends in a different city once a month, can shop locally and plan to increase my social contact over the coming months.

I found CBT very helpful - maybe you could try a refresher course? These Claire Weekes audios also helped me a lot http://www.junior-anxiety-depression...l#HowToRecover as does daily exercise to burn off excess tension and nightly relaxation to aid restful sleep.

Take baby steps. Stand outside your front door, the next day go a little further, then a little further each time. Be prepared to feel fear and anxiety and let it wash over you on your road to recovery. Consider the alternatives to feeling this anxiety. I got tired of being a prisoner in my own home as you have. You can do this slowly but surely. Wishing you the very best. Cat