How do you lot do it???

[Caz Fab Pants]

I have just been reading some of the posts and replies that people have left and they all seem so positive.

Now I know that it's good to be positive but with regards to my agoraphobia and panic I find it almost impossible.

I'm not in a good place (mentally) at the moment and just feel totally sick of the whole thing. I cant be bothered with anything anymore, I rarely answer the phone, I dont socialise or visit people, I'm not even particularly interested in my children I just find them hard work.

I don't know how to successfully tackle this problem and have almost given up trying. I don't know if its worth me being here, its not that I want to die, I just dont want to live life like this.

Now I know someone's going to say 'well change your life then' but to me it's not as easy as that. I'm very stuck in my thought patterns and even if I was to conquere something small that I've managed to conquere before like driving to the next town, I can NEVER imagine going shopping in London or going on holiday abroad. I cant even sit through a haircut for gods sake, I cut it myself so I dont have to face the humiliation of squirming in my seat or walking out half done.

C
x

[ana]

Hi!
It seams like your panic state has made you depressed. Don't worry,
I've been threw the same thing. I don't want to tell you how this state is gonna pass because you know it will. I wasn't able to go to school and to go out and I was 14 at that time. I used to come home in the evenings and cry because of it, so I know exactly how you feel...
You need to find help. I did it too and now I have a good therapist and medications. It made me feel better and now I am able to do some little things like go out for a walk or shopping.
After you do everything you can to help yourself you won't be feeling miserable like this.
And, who knows? Maybe you'll be able to do things you never even dreamed of doing!
Take care
Ana

[sarah]

Hiya Caz

I so know how you feel as I have been where you are now.
I cant really say what 'kicked' me out of it.
maybe a nagging husband, the support of this site, CBT, hypnotherapy, meds and a 'lightbulb moment' where I came to realise that I didnt want to live like this anymore.

Its been 2 years since my first panic attack and for the first year it was dreadful. I was where you are now - never went out, wouldnt talk to people on the phone, had a fit if people came round etc, suffered dreadfully with negative thoughts.
As for the hairdressers...no way which was how I came to have lanky purple hair a few months ago...lol (ive since been to the hairdressers for the first time in 2 years a couple of months ago but I took my mum with me...and im 30!!!)
Its only been the last couple of months where I have been doing things and finding I am actually enjoying going out a bit!

I dont have the secret formula - I only wish I did but I will say that you have to find something that interests you to keep your mind occupied. I started doing loads of jigsaw puzzles and took up pottery and bought a yoga DVD that I could do at home and that gave me something to focus on instead of staying in bed all day and then slumping in front of the tv for the evening.

You have to hit this panic from all sides (like all the things ive mentioned above which helped me) and you will get there.

Do you write a diary or anything?
One thing I found useful was to write a 'things ive done' list where instead of writing how bad I felt in a diary, I wrote a list of things I had accomplished each day...even including things like getting out of bed early and doing some housework to walking up the road on my own etc.
Nowadays my list has grown to things like babysitting for a friend, going to parties and weddings, driving 50 miles from home on my own.
That way I can look back at earlier lists when I am feeling like I havent got anywhere and see exactly how well I am doing!

I really hope this has been useful to you. Believe me when I say that I really do understand how you feel!!!

feel free to email me anytime if you want to chat
sarahoffield@hotmail.com

take care
love sarah
xx

we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution

[blossom]

from Blossom
Hi Caz, I read your message on the forum, and know exactly how you are feeling, as at present I am the same, with the agoraphobia as well, and panics, Mine started when I was 19years old, but when had my son it went not wholly, but was able to get out with the baby, and mostly with my mother with me, even managed to get to Isle of Wight at one time, dont say I was relaxed, but I did it and really enjoyed the holiday, but over the last 4 years, it has come back, and I am now the same as you. Unfortunately my son has now grown up and married, so feel a lot of my problem is loneliness, Mine came back when I lost my parents, and older members of the family as we were always close, now I feel lost, I think to myself, I got better before, ( but was younger ) this time the depression has set in, but I must say that about 6 weeks ago, I managed to get into town with my husband, , but had that old panic come on me, and I am here again in the house, I am told its only us that can do it, I like you am afraid to sit in the hairdressers so I cut my own hair. I like sarah, will not answer the phone, unless I have to, People I like, and yet now if anyone comes to the house, I feel as though I want to hide, but keep telling myself, I lost the dreaded feeling before, so hope it will go again this time. If you want to e mail me feel free to do so, blossombargh@hotmail.com

[JsMom]

I know exactly what you are saying, Caz. I wake up every morning with this horrible sense of dread and doom. It is almost paralyzing. I have to force myself up and force myself NOT to throw up. I am trembling, heart pounding and my stomach is all tied in knots. Despite my medication, I still wake up every morning with the same feelings. Sometimes, it is so emotionally exhausting that I just want to give up. Not that I want to die, but like you said..I don't want to live like this anymore.

I think that while we can fight and combat our anxiety and panic, we aren't ever going to get rid of it completely. I think the big challenge for me is learning how to live with it and accept it. I am not even close to that now. If I could just figure out how to be the controlling one over the anxiety, I think I could deal with it. Right now it feels like the anxiety and panic is completely controlling my life. I also don't socialize or go out. I actually got the number for a psychiatric referral service so I can go back into therapy.

I know I am not much help, but I just want you to know I understand exactly what you are saying.

Jenelle

[tina]

hello caz i feel the same ihave had agoraphobia for 12 years now and it seems to be getting worse, i also dont want to go on but have to i am just sitting here now waiting for a nurse to come and take some blood for tests, when she comes i probably wont let her in. all i can say is we just have to keep going and perhaps our brains will suddenly go back to the people we once were

[Jules31]

Hi Caz

Having read your post I know just how you feel. This panic thing is really a long haul. Although I did make it to London and Cornwall recently. It has really taken it out of me. At the moment I'm feeling awful and really struggling. The going places wasn't easy most of the time but I've just decided that this bloody thing has ruined my life for coming up two and a half years and I've had enough. I have symptoms at home so might as well have them somewhere nice instead.

Everyone here is a great help and no matter how far down the road you think you are, you can always make it back, or at least some of the way.

We are all here for you, If I can be of any help at all then please let me know. I can't imagine ever being the person I used to be but people like Meg have shown us it is possible with a lot of time and hard work

Jules

[Meg]

Dear Caz,

I wouldn't be left alone for 30 mins at one stage and certainly wouldn't walk off to the post office 300 yds away .

Now I'm back travelling the country for work and managing my teams.

I have a normal social life again.

It's not easy but it is doable.

'I don't know how to successfully tackle this problem and have almost given up trying'

What's your worst bit that you think you need help with ?
What are you doing to help yourself - even if you don't feel like it ....


Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone

[Caz Fab Pants]

Firstly I would like to thank you ALL for replying to my post and really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and words of advice.

Now..., where do I start!!?

Meg,
My worst problem at the moment is not mixing with people or socialising. I can talk to people if I just happen to have bumped into them because I know I can lie about being in a rush or something. However I cant seem to commit to going round people's houses at the moment or meet up with anyone.

I hate the thought of panicking anywhere but especially in front of other people. This stops me from going round anybodies house or making arrangements to meet people. I never take anybody in my car other than my children and occasionally my partner and never travel in someone else's car. Therefore apart from the odd visit from friends who basically have to invite themselves, I am alone (with my 2 children) all day everyday until my partner comes home in the evening.

The trouble is when I'm panicking I find it impossible to hold a conversation and tend to fidget or walk about while I battle the fight or flight feeling. I then end up needing the toilet a few times and I dont mean for a wee!! I become very aware that I'm not behaving normally and worry about what the other person is thinking. This makes me feel on the spot because I dont know whether to explain to the person what's the matter or try to keep up the facade and hide it. I hate having to tell people that I'm anxious or panicky because this makes me feel like the focus is on me and makes me ten times worse. I also cant handle people trying to give me advice when I'm mid panic, I would just rather everything and everyone carried on as normal around me.

I'm not really sure how to answer your second question, 'What are you doing to help yourself'.
I'm taking medication (100mg Lustral) and thats about it. I did have a very successful period about 18mths ago when I worked with a Clinical Psychologist and a student Psychologist who travelled with me. However that ran its course, I went down hill because I was nearing the end of my pregnancy and then my son was born. I asked my doctor to refer me to the local mental health team again but after one appointment they basically said I'd done all the ground work, knew what had to be done and there wasn't anymore they could do for me. Since then I've had my medication changed from Clomipramine to the Lustral and left to get on with it.

Everyone around me just accepts the way I am because they dont know how to help and because they know any offers will get turned down. My partner cant bear to listen to me talk about my problem anymore because he says he can't help but in his defence he has stood by me and puts up with my moods.

I think what I'm lacking more than anything is confidence and motivation. I've got such a negative outlook and have lost all hope of ever getting significantly better. I find myself looking and hearing what everyone else is doing and just feel worthless. I'm getting older and older and yet I've achieved nothing and don't really know where I'm heading in life, I'm just standing still.

Sorry this is so long winded.
C
x

[Meg]

Hi Caz ,

Nothing you write is unexpected or uncommon, I'm sure most of us can relate.
The meds are helpful but you still need to develop coping skills and expose yourself to your fears.

One issue is to learn how to cope without panicing any more. Knowing that you can talk yourself out of an episode is very powerful.
Identify what sets you off and how to cope with it without it turning into a panic attack.

When you learn to Downgrade it to anxiety , you will be able to be with people as it's not so obvious.

Some of us are social creatures and some are not and both cope differently.

You could build up very slowly - meet yourself somewhere and agree that you will speak to 2 strangers - shop keepers , librarian or something and slowly build up the time in strangers company and then introduce meetings with people you do know .

I found it always easier to say upfront that you're a bit tummy upset so if you need to disappear and visit the loo it's expected.

I agree without motivation it is a large mountain to climb but as soon as you're just 2 feet above base camp it feels so liberating and motivation breeds motivation.

It can be a case of JFDI to start with and once you see some progress it will roll.


Meg

'There can only be true courage when first there is genuine fear'

Dr.David Livingstone