is this anxiety or just guilt?

[kellym]

i went out before christmas and got really drunk so drunk in fact i have forgotten big gaps in the night, i had an argument with my friend, which i dont really remember.
i woke up in the morning after this night and thought i feel like such an idiot blah blah, with people telling me what i did etc, i then started to think oh my god i dont remember going to the toilet what if i cheated on my partner (of 4 years) i have been quizzing my friends about this night for over a month now and they have all said there is no way you could ever do that and they dont remember me going to the toilet on my own and they said if i did i wouldnt forget, but what if i did do something and forgot i forgot the argument and most other parts of the night.
my partner said i was fine when i came home and i asked him to make me cheese on toast so i obviously didnt feel guilty then, but what if i completely blocked it out of my mind that i did.

sorry to ramble!!

[Elle]

I think that you are REALLY doubting yourself. Anxiety does this to you. Did you know that the French call OCD, the doubting disease - la folie de doute. I'm not saying that's what you have but you are anxious and you are doubting yourself.

Why would you go off with someone else when you love your partner? And deep down, no matter how drunk, you must know this. Was someone chatting you up? Surely if they had done then you would remember bits of it. They'd likely also be trying to contact you.

Sounds like you're just making yourself guilty over probably nothing. That seed of doubt takes root and grows a flippin big anxiety tree.

Elle

[davidthegnome]

I would like to strongly second what Elle said, first of all.

Myself, I have found that anxiety and guilt often go hand in hand. I have felt guilty about being a burden to so many people who have never once complained or told me I'm a burden. I have felt guilty for not being able to drive, for not being able to be as Good a father as I'd like. I have even wept in guilt for things that weren't really bad at all.

Anxiety can dissolve self-confidence and make you doubt all kinds of things. Guilt is also a normal result of it. Chances are you didn't cheat on your boyfriend as you feared, I strongly doubt that you're repressing something like that. It may frighten you and make you feel awful, but this is just anxiety playing tricks on your mind.

You love him and no matter how drunk you got, if you had done something bad that night I'm sure someone would have remembered and told you about it. If you were repressing something from it, it's likely that you'd have flashbacks. So it's highly unlikely. Try to trust in yourself, in your own self control. You live with anxiety, surely you've had the fear of losing control, but have you ever really lost it?

Probably not. Neither have I. This feeling of guilt and doubt will pass, remember that it is part of anxiety and anxiety can never do you any true harm. You are a good person and my heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to doubt yourself. Relax though, you will overcome that self-doubt in time.


Good fortune and God Bless you,


David

[kellym]

Thanks for your replies, i dont know why i doubt myself so much, i felt guilty when i woke up in the morning because i was dancing and other blokes were staring at me, my friends said that no blokes were trying to chat me up though, its just that i forgot a whole argument that lasted about 30 mins so what else did i forget, i hate people who cheat and now i think i have i just cant get this night out of my head trying to remember the argument and if i did anything, i feel like nobody will be able to help with this one i will never know if i cheated and i feel like i have really betrayed my partner. i will never be able to move on from this ever!!

[nomorepanic]

Kelly

You must move on from it or it will eat you up and destroy you inside.

You would know deep down if you betrayed your partner and I doubt you did atall.

Nicola

People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel

[Elle]

Kelly
Go and look at yourself in the mirror. Say, "I can rise above this and I can move forward. I have no reason to believe that I cheated on my boyfriend. I have to stop doubting myself, not just over this but over everything else in my life!"

I know where you're coming from. I doubt myself too. For instance the washing will just be finishing and I'll think, did I put the washing powder in with the washing? Now, I know that I did but just to make sure I wash it again. Doubt, doubt, doubt, doubt - DON'T let it win!

Elle

[jo61]

My experience of excess alcohol is that it's easy to forget conversations but not actions. If you had been unfaithful surely someone would have reminded you of it afterwards



Jo

[kellym]

all of my friends say that i was never left alone but what if i went to the loo on my own and somebody grabbed me and because i was so drunk i just went ahead with it and then completely blanked it straight after then went upstairs with my mates an carried on as normal, this is possible so it could have happened, i really cant stop this at first i thought your being stupid but now i really do think i did something

[Elle]

Jo is right. It's easy to forget words when you're drunk but not so easy to forget being intimate with someone. And if you had been then you'd certainly remember what he looked like. You must be a bit choosy, you surely like a certain type of man? You wouldn't go with just anyone! No, and likely you DIDN'T go with anyone.

Would this figment have been waiting in the ladies or would you have sneaked into the mens? Neither, I think. And if either of these worse case scenarios took place then wouldn't you have been disturbed in such a busy club? Yes you would. So, the verdict of the court is that it didn't happen. You are only guilty of anxiety and that's not going to be punished.

Stop worrying and go and have a nice weekend with your boyfriend.

Elle

[Elle]

Kelly
You are obsessing, a thought is going round and round in your head. It's getting bigger every time you think about it. I know how it works, I've obsessed about things that others would think laughable. Believe it or not you will likely laugh about this in the future when you've got it into perspective. Right now it's totally out of all proportion. Of course you wouldn't let someone have sex with you. Even if he was Adonis himself you would say no and the reason you would say no is because you have a boyfriend and you have a conscience.

Think about what I've been saying, doesn't it make sense?

Elle