A great friend I grew up with just passed away from colon cancer. It has me, of course reeling with grief, and it kicked up my HA something fierce. He was my age (45), and it is a bit young (but not so rare as to be stunning beyond measure) to be worried about this stuff especially because he had no family history or anything.

Now I selfishly wonder what the hell is going on in my own gut, lurking, undiagnosed. A simple colonoscopy could have saved his life, but he was diagnosed at 42, and they don't start screening until 50 here unless you have a family history. To the best of my knowledge there is no one in my family who has had it, on either side, pretty much ever. I have never had a colonoscopy, aside from being very gassy, a lot of the time (much to my wife's dismay) everything there feels fine. Worse when I am anxious of course, but it has been that way for a good long while now.

I feel so much shame and self loathing for even thinking about my HA while I get ready to bury one of my best friends, I should be thinking about myself last of all...yet I cannot help it. I knew HA could make being happy difficult, what I didn't know is that it could ruin grief as well...