I didn't know where to post this and have contemplated posting for a while but chickened out. I just need to get this out and if anyone can help or just send me a hug I'd appreciate it.

Ok, where do I start. Firstly I apologise if I repeat myself and this gets long.

I have had anxiety on and off since I was 19. Mine began as panic attacks and then health anxiety. A few years ago all was ok and I was feeling much better. My brother started with major paranoia and he had some kind of mental breakdown due to his personality disorder. He was violent and turned up at my house and attacked my husband infront of our children. Police were involved. A year later he chased me in my car and again he was arrested. Since that day I struggled with panic attacks again and agoraphobia developed. I then had intrusive thoughts and general anxiety set in. This was 3 years ago. During this time i lost my grandmother suddenly and my son was rushed into hospital needing an emergency operation. I eventually went private and had therapy and things got better. Then earlier this year I started struggling with fatigue, I had bloods done and I am borderline hypothyroid, low ferritin and lowish b12. These are adding to my anxiety.

My 11 year old son has been bullied all year in year 6. He started high school September, the bullying stopped once in a new school and he was fine. He had anxiety all summer after the bullying and I noticed he wouldn't go out to play with his friends and hated us going out. He had a few panic attacks too. Our GP refered him to CAMHS (Childrens Mental Health Team) and they refused to see him and just suggested a book for me to buy to help him myself. I rang the local counselling service for young people and they agreed to see my son weekly once in high school. He had 6 sessions and it did very little. He settled in to high school and his confidence grew, i thought things were going well then suddenly a month ago he told me he had suicidal thoughts all year and hadn't told anyone. He knows he can talk to me, he tells me everything. It broke me. I took him to the GP and he told his school counsellor and both referred him to CAMHS. They assessed him 2 weeks ago and told us that I am the best person to help him because I have had anxiety. He told them he is afraid people will attack him when he goes out because he witnessed my brother hurt his dad (it happened so fast I couldn't hide my children away) and because he was bullied he is afraid of teenagers. He told them he feels deeply low, has these scary thoughts of death and actually described the images he sees, it broke my heart. He has panic attacks and just always feels anxious. Then they tell me I can help him???

This has all had a HUGE impact on me. On Friday school called asking me to come in. My son had been found in the corridoor crying looking for help as he was having the worst panic attack he has ever had. I picked him up and brought him home. I can't get that image out of my head. I have panic attacks so I know how scary they are. He dusted himself off, I bought him some Rescue Remedy to take with him even if it's just a comfort thing, and yesterday he coped amazing. Today thought he had lost his Rescue Remedy and he ran back to the car when I dropped him off and told me he couldn't face going in to school. On Friday I rang and spoke to his head of year and he is now his go to if it happens again and his office is my sons safe place. He has given a card to show any teacher and it allows him to walk out of lessons no questions asked, then he comes to his office. He has been amazing. I took my son to him today and left him with him. I came home and sobbed. I have rung CAMHS and demanded they do something. My son cries to me often saying he hates his life, and he just wants to be like other 11 year olds and to not feel like this, it's why he feels so low. He assures me he won't act on any thoughts he has as he hates them but he does get very low so I live in fear

On top of all this 2 months ago I had a huge panic attack during a blood test. It was so severe I now have a fear of ever needing any medical appointment again. My agoraphobia has really flared up. In the last few weeks I have had my panic attacks return. I have a feeling I am walking on a boat, like I am all wobbly in my head and legs but I am not falling over, I just feel I am walking on a boat. Can anyone relate? aswell I have a feeling of like a ball of air pushing up into my throat and I panic I can't breath sometimes. I can breath but my throat feels full. It's strange and scary. I keep panicking do I need to see my GP, but right now I can't I spoke to him a few weeks ago about how stressed I feel and he just offered to up my meds which I do not want to do, I have been on Mirtazapine 15mg 2 years and it doesn't help, I want off it not to increase it. I hate the drug as I have gained way too much weight. My anxiety is high and I swear it's because of all the stress and all these physical feelings keep sending me into panic because I am terrified to go back to the doctors

My daughter is 10 and had a headache 6 weeks. She has seen an optician and GP and noone knows why she is having them. She has awful pain low in abdomen and lower back and the GP last week said she possibly had a UTI but the antibiotics haven't helped. So I am worrying myself sick about her. She has had so much time off so I feel terrible making her go to school when not well. She had all of last week off though.

Urgh I feel terrible. I have no support. My husband works long hours, I have no family after what happened with my brother I cut him out and as a result my sisters resented me saying he was ill and that I had broke the family up. My mum has also not been there for me. I feel I have noone. I have some good friends but none live near me but we text/chat.

Sorry to offload. I just feel terrible right now and worried about my health and my children