Panicking - pancreatic cancer fear

[ckelley116]

It's been 8 days since my doctor ordered the CT scan but I still haven't received word from my insurance company about the preauthorization, so I haven't been able to schedule it (those in the US may be able to sympathize). I've become acutely aware of every single sensation in my torso, front and back from shoulder to hip. I'm noticing certain mild discomforts when I move a certain way, or random/sporadic mild but stabbing pains, all on the left. Have I always had these and just never paid attention because I wasn't hyperfixated on the area? I have no idea. I'm not 100% sure where I might feel pain due to my pancreas and I've so far resisted temptation to look it up. I'm terrified to go to the bathroom for fear that this time is the time I'll see something to worry about.


I lost four pounds this week. I have been actively trying to lose weight since March 1, and have been using the LoseIt app to track my calories. After the first week, when I dropped 5 lbs of what was probably water weight and inflammation, I've lost an average of 1 lb per week. Some weeks I haven't lost anything. But when I got back on the scale today it was 4 lbs lower than last Saturday. I went back and tracked my daily calorie intake and did notice that since April 16, the day I found out about all this, my calorie intake has been about half/two-thirds what my daily allowance is. I'm still eating but anxiety has affected my appetite, so I've been eating much smaller meals and snacking less. I guess that can explain the higher-than-expected drop. Still, it's just another thing to worry about. What if next week it's 8, or more?


I haven't been able to enjoy anything. I'm a writer and when all this started I was working on a novel with hopes to publish by the end of the year. Now, though, I can't muster the interest in opening up my document and when I do with the intent of forcing myself to try, all I can think is "what's the point?" I was planning to give my bedroom a makeover this summer but again, what's the point? I'm almost at the point where I'm going to delete all social media apps from my phone because every time I open them up I feel like I'm greeted with a post by someone who was just diagnosed with cancer. And I'm 11 seasons into watching Grey's Anatomy after avoiding it for fear of triggers. I was really enjoying it, but now I don't want to continue.


I realize this probably all sounds very melodramatic but I think the waiting is really starting to get to me. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it; my husband has absolutely no concept of even healthy levels of worry, and I think it frustrates him when I express it. My mom and sister would be next on my list, but I don't want to worry them until I know for sure there's something real to worry about so they have no idea about any of this. So you guys get to hear all about it. Thank you and I'm also sorry about that.

[sel123]

I honestly believe everything is going to be OK but I completely know what you’re going through. You can adjust your settings on social media so you’re not seeing certain words or content related to topics - you can google how to do this!

It’s also very normal to lose weight when you’re anxious!These tests were over 2 years ago, the only reason you’re losing weight right now is because you’re anxious.

Aa a writer, would it help for you to journal how you’re feeling? I know it helps me to just get things down on paper too.

As for your projects, the best thing to do, is to actually start them. Anxiety will keep throwing all these thoughts at them but you need to challenge them back. Being active and engaged is a good way to start.


I hope you get your appt soon and then can move on from this! xo

[ckelley116]

I honestly believe everything is going to be OK but I completely know what you’re going through. You can adjust your settings on social media so you’re not seeing certain words or content related to topics - you can google how to do this!

It’s also very normal to lose weight when you’re anxious!These tests were over 2 years ago, the only reason you’re losing weight right now is because you’re anxious.

Aa a writer, would it help for you to journal how you’re feeling? I know it helps me to just get things down on paper too.

As for your projects, the best thing to do, is to actually start them. Anxiety will keep throwing all these thoughts at them but you need to challenge them back. Being active and engaged is a good way to start.


I hope you get your appt soon and then can move on from this! xo

Thanks for that I vacillate between "of course everything's going to be fine" and "of course there can be no other possible outcome but the absolute worst one" so it's nice to hear an outside perspective!

Thanks for the suggestion re: social media. I did go and add some keywords to block from my feed, and so far it seems to be working!

I could try journaling! It's weird; I've been writing since I was a child but journaling is something I've never been super into. I can see how it would help, though. I did find an HA workbook I apparently bought back in 2021 and seem to have started at the time, but apparently abandoned after that particular episode was over and I "felt better". So I worked through a few chapters of that over the weekend, and the exercises seem like they'll be helpful once I'm in a better frame of mind.

Today I plan to call my insurance company to see if they can give me an update (or even just let me know that the preauthorization process was even initiated by my doctor's office). I'm just so anxious to get all of this over with.