How do i know how i feel?

[Jas82]

I've been thinking. I've suffered with depression in 2 year cycles for the last 10 years and since meeting my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago i haven't been depressed.

I used to get depressed in the winter months and the doctors thought it could be SAD however i do feel that my depression does stem from an incident that happened when i was 15.

My thoughts are if i'm happy with my boyfriend then maybe i'm channeling my depression in another way.. I don't fell depressed and i don't want to soul search too much in case i get myself down.

I moved out with my boyfriend in August we were first time buyers and some people think that this may be some of my issues.. money and having a mortgage but i couldn't be happier at the moment (except for being unwell).

I used to self harm and take drugs i was a bit screwed up when i was younger but i can talk about it freely and it doesn't make me sad to think about what happened.

I think my biggest issue at the moment is that if my health problems aren't to do with anxiety and that the doctors do find something wrong then i still have this anxiety with food and i'm worried if i don't do something about it it will get serious.

I saw some pictures on my friends face book of when we went out on St Patricks day this year i looked so fat and i'm not even being a girl about it i really did. I've lost 2 stone since being ill feel a lot better for it but i don't want to go back to being as big as i was and that doesn't help when i already have anxieties about food. I know all my friends and family are watching what i eat. My sister gets really funny with me if i'm ill and can't eat she says i'm going to get anorexic. I don't think it will come to that as i feel ill when i don't eat anything but i do worry..

I have starved myself before when i was under a great deal of stress at work. I used to go to lunch on my own or make excuses i had to be somewhere and sit in my car so people didn't question why i wasn't eating. Where i work now people question when i don't eat sometimes but they know i'm ill and i'm genuinely not eating as i feel ill not trying to starve myself. It never got serious i lost weight but was still a healthy size. I sound scewed up now!! LOL sorry..

[groovygranny]

Hello Jas,

I'm certainly no authority on anorexia, or in fact anything similar, but I do know how it can creep up on us quite unexpectedly. I'm certainly not saying this is the case with you, but would just like to share a little bit about my experience with you.

Years ago now I had a tummy bug and couldn't eat for over a week. Consequently I lost well over 1/2 a stone in weight. Now, prior to this I had noticed I was creeping up the scales a bit and was a bit concerned - so I thought to myself when I was over the bug 'great' !! Trouble is, I just kept on going. After a few more weeks I had lost nearly 2 stone and yet didn't look any different when I looked in the mirror. I had became what I've since been told was borderline anorexic. Not quite anorexic but giving serious cause for concern. My poor hubby had to resort to serious tactics and one day put down his knife and fork and said "if you don't eat - I don't eat" Well, that was the turning point for me thankfully as I then realised what was happening to me. But, it was a struggle to get back to normal eating (I too had gone without anything more than a couple of biscuits or an apple each day) as my throat felt as though it was closing over. But, with perserverance and support from my hubby I managed it - and have never been back there since.

I haven't told you this to frighten or to shock you - rather just give you something to keep an eye on as it were.

You certainly don't sound screwed up to me, and I hope I haven't spoken out of turn.

[Jas82]

You haven't spoken out of turn and thank you for sharing your experience i'm glad to hear that your better with eating now i do need to keep an eye on it but then i get paranoid that by keeping too much of an eye on it i'll just make it worse.

I've started planning what i'm going to have for tea the next night so i'm a day ahead and know what i'll be eating instead of worrying about it.

I'll keep you posted but i'm glad i'm on this site as sharing experiences and talking to people and venting in the forum helps me i don't really have anyone to talk about it to expect you guys on here.

Thanks xxx

[Lilith1980]

Hey honey, I think the very fact that you have posted on this and are questioning things proves that you arent screwed up :-)

I agree with Groovy Granny though, I think you have to monitor the eating situation carefully because these things can creep up on you. I was anorexic for 4 years and it started with me cutting out alot of food each day because I felt down. Then it just took over my life and I ended up not eating at all.

Have you spoken to you GP about seeing a counsellor? Maybe this would help you to talk through things hun xxx