last night when I was in bed reading a book and drinking my Horlicks like every night happy as can be. It was about half past midnight when suddenly I felt this overwehlming sense of panic and this feeling of extreme dizziness in my head (I always feel it in my head first) and then the panic attack started. I did manage to control it after a few seconds, though it seemed like an eternity, and calm down by doing my breathing. I called Ed into the room and we chatted for a bit in order to keep my mind off things. I know that I should feel ok about the whole thing as I managed to control it but I can't help feeling very frustrated and angry with myself. This is the first time that I have had this feeling in my head since January 2004!! I thought I was over all that. When I tried to go to sleep afterwards, every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was myself having a panic attack..
I am coming off my meds at the moment and am almost completely off them.I'm now thinking that maybe I will never be able to survive without them and might have to be on them forever..:(
Ed says that I had a panic attack because of the book that I was reading. It's called "Another Bull**** Night in Suck City" (sorry!). He says that I should be reading something called "Another Amazing Night in a Wonderful Metropolis". lol Bless him, I think he was just trying to make me laugh..he is right though when he says that something in my subconscious made me panic and I can't help but wonder what it was..
I have had a very stressful four months or so. The PhD that I am doing is getting to be far too much. I'm not sure what I am doing and I don't even know why I'm doing a PhD anymore. My best mate at uni, my ONLY mate at uni, is thinking of quitting because she hates her supervisor who IS an idiot, to put it nicely. I don't think I have told any of you yet but I will be going to Bremen, Germany ALONE in January 2006 in order to carry out 6-7 months of research. I'm dreading it at the moment and just don't see how I will cope...
Sorry to have moaned and bored you all to death. Am just not feeling myself at the moment..
Sarah