Hi guys haven't been here a while but I got some trouble.
For a while now, my time at school has gone from good to almost the same problem as before. I started to recluse, don't even remember when, and now I feel so invisible.
If I try to say hi or even just have conversation, people always ignore me or just give me an ugly face then leave. I feel as though I don't have any value or usefullness to anyone. Almost as a burden. I try to ignore it but obviously that does not work.
Something else happened that I can't not explain or cope with.
Today was normal, like any other day but during the 2 to last class, I had an assembly and it was about the school yearbook, so I thought whats the big deal.
As I watch the short movie, with pictures and short clips of the year gone by, I saw the girl (Yes, the very same I had talked about in my other threads) on the big screen and she talked about what she liked most this year. As I watched, I started sweating and getting extremely nervous. I became silent as I just stared at the screen. when it ended I felt so sick of myself.
What is wrong with me? Im positive I've forgotten her, in fact I'm certain I hate her. (Sorry if harsh, just how I feel) I hate the way everything is so easy for her. More importantly, it made me realize how much I hate myself.
I KNOW I don't exist in her eyes, and I just tell myself "It doesn't matter" but whenever I am talking to my friends, she would always come up and say hi but not even spare a glance at me, I feel as unlovable, and I have only myself to blame.
More over, this is not only with her, but everyone I care about. I'm always ridiculed if I'm not ridiculed, I'm just ignored. I always see them give each other greetings and hugs and although it does not seem like it, a hug really is a big deal for me, it shows at least THEY care.But looks as though I don't qualify. I guess I'm defective.