I've been reading alot of these posts and it's got me thinking about something that happend to me this year which would make alot of sense to why I am feeling like this all of a sudden.
Just before christmas I took ill and went to the doctor where I found out that I wasn't ill at all, I was pregnant AGAIN! I went into total shock, I was on the pill and all ready have 3 toddlers, which were hard enough. I talked things over with my partner and we decided to keep it, then I just started to think about how hard I was finding things (being selfish) and how was I going to cope so I then decided to have a termination!(of which I still have doubts if I made the right decision)! I was in hospital on the 10th Jan for the termination and a week later there was complications I started to pass too much blood and was rushed to hospital. They performed a minor procedure and told me I was fine to go home. A week after that the same problem came back but this time it was really bad. When I got to hospital I need 5 emergency blood transfusions and an emergency operation! During the operation I hemeridged and nearly died as my HG (Hemagloban-think thats how it's spelt-blood count) went down to 4! This really frightend me, all I remember is looking down at my hands and them being yellow and being so cold that my body trembled! I asked one of the nurses if I was dying and she said that when you loose as much blood as I did your body prioritises and pumps it to all your major organs.
When I think back to this, even now I feel like I was being punished for killing a life. I have never believed in terminations but there I was selfish enough to go through with it! Was it worth risking my own life for the sake of not having another to look after?! What would my kids of done without me if I hadn't of made it!
Anyways sorry for such a long post, just wondering if this could in anyway be part of why I have started feeling this way.
"Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!"
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