I just tryed to ring the place that set my panic attact off last tuesday again today. I took 1 whole benzo before well before i rang I felt good my heart wa recing I was shacking ect but i felt like I cluld still talk and when thay answered I did talk and was talking freely very freely and calmly or as calm as I could keep my self with my body scream RED ALLERT RED ALLERT ect. I was talking to them and he keep asking to calm down and the more he said the harder it became to stay calm I started crying and he still keep telling me to calm down. He ketp saying thing like your not going like my answer how do think you handle my answer. If we arange a family counciling will you listen to the advise cause it will focus on you alot (like Il the reason she is the way she is) I couldn't keep calm so before I made him angry enought hang up or say something that might me feel like he didnt think i was safe to be around my kids(which so far from the turth it's not funny) nin hung up the phone and threw it on the ground and screamed. then i layed on my bed and I couldn't move I could think my thought didn't go crazy like normal no scream just nubmness no erg's self harm or rock or tap just numb. Then I moved about 15 later and started to cry so hard thinking why cant I be normal why cant I just talk to people with out crying with out making my heart pump so hard it's going to jump out my cheast one day why do I shack and why cant I be normal. I want answer's for my daughter I want need asnwer's but obousiously it not time yet Obviously I still not normal enought to make sence to people. I must be some alian expreiment put here to make people angry at me. I want the hurt to stop i want the pain to stop I want to be normal I want to feel the same with adults as i feel around my kids. My emotion have control over me and i have never had much control over them unless I keep my mouth shut.

I'm sitting her feeling numb right now how do i ever expect to beable to hget job like this. At least my thoughts are not scream at me so loud that i feel like curling up in a ball and blocking my ears.