This is my first time to post and I have a couple of questions. I will first introduce my situation however.
N.B. I didn't realise how long this post would be (had a bit of wine and a hard couple of weeks), you can skip to the end for the questions.
I have had social phobia since early secondary school, to a lesser degree then than now. This manifested and agorophobia and social phobia where both diagnosed by my mid teens, I am now 25.
I would describe myself as a functional agoro/social phobic these days, in the way functional alcoholics are portrayed. At one point (spanning many years) I would not leave the house unless drunk and have had (in the past, not now) several issues with substance/alcohol abuse in order to feel functional.
I have always been a driven person (I am pretty successfull in life and always try to do my best) and am rarely deeply depressed for more than a couple of weeks at a time, however when these weeks come I am a mess.
Panic attacks are still an everyday occurence (when I venture into public), and these tend to cascade for as long as I am in a situation outside my home/car.
The main worry I have is that I wet myself and have resorted to purposfully being in a state of dehydration, although this does not seem to help matters....it just means that if I do pee myself the urine is so dark in colour I cannot tip a glass and say it was the water.
I do not feel like I have the commonly listed symptoms of panic attacks, my heart rarely races and I rarely tremor these days, in the past my neck would lock and my head would bob around uncontrolably, however I still have the feeling of great fear. I usually have the feeling that I (my mind) am detached from my body and the slight feeling I do have in my body tells me I am sinking, into whatever I am sitting, leaning, standing on. Due to this detachment I feel as if I am not in control of my body, and this is where the loop (I will describe) comes into play.
If I am in a public place, obviously feeling anxious, I try to relax. However I seem to have actually developed a fear of relaxation. The moment I stop monitoring my body a panic attack occurs. I seem to have an imediate unconcious response to relaxation in a public place where I feel if I relax my muscles I will wet myself.......and this continues, I have the panic attack, try to relax, when I do relax for an instant I panic because I'm relaxed.
I am fully aware of how irrational this process is, even when I am taken by an attack. I know that no-one is out to get me, I most likely won't wet myself and this is all a product of my own mind and not the others around me making me feel this way. I obviously act oddly though since I squirm around, what feels like uncontrolably and people have picked up on this.
I was on sertraline for about 4-5 years and this did help somewhat, however it did make me agressive and on one occasion I ended up breaking a strangers femur after imagining he said something and my series of events taken during questioning by the police did not actually happen (such as the people who where there and the things I heard). I stopped taking the medication after my court appearance. My brother also became agressive on SSRI's, so maybe its a genetic trait?!
I have been on beta blockers on and off for many years, but they don't seem to help much any more.
Anyway, thats enough about me, time for the questions:
I was at psychiatrists/psychologists/social-workers fairly steadily between the age of 12 and 17-18 and didn't really get much from it. The feedback I got from these people ranged from zilch (usually from the psychiatrists, this is OK since they're there to diagnose) to them speaking constantly about utter crap (normally psychologists/occupational-therapists). I've not been in the past 7-8 years but am feeling as if I should maybe give them another whirl, they're maybe better these days.
**** there I go again, now my questions come.
Do you feel like this type of forums actually help? Or does it make you wallow in s
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