Hi all,
I just dont know what to do any more, im so low so depressed its unreal-- i just cant stand the feeling that i have, its so undescribable --but i will do my best to explain.

I think i must have some kind of mental problem really i do- ordinarly going to the shop i feel so wierd, sometimes i dont have to be in a panic mode/or depersonlized- i sometimes feel worse than that, like kinda swayey--- oh god this is hard to explain, but its like im not there at all- i will go and pay for my gas, and then nearly leave my gas card there behind- i will feel really strange when i am waiting to be served in the shop, i just dont feel all there, my words dont come out right, i forget things like so so much, i cant make the right descions, i get terribely confused and flustered-- maybe i have f***ing atzimers(spell check)
theres something not right-.

oh i still have eptopics they havnt gone, no worries there--- not quite as harsh as they used to be but still bad at times--- my breathing can be so slow and nasty at times---and i have all the ahces and pains and millions of symtoms, that i am all so confuesed about now.

But maybe i am having all these because i have a mental problem, maybe soon i wont be able to remember people .. and i will get lost when i go out---because i feel very confused when i do go out...
i am so numb i cant even cry anymore---im going to see a counsellor tomorrow-- and hopefully my doctor today, to see what he has to say about my medication-- in regards to what i should be on , because i need to be on something ... with the least side effects poss(yeah right) because the beta-blockers are taking the edge but im still in a bad way, gee how did it ever get this bad--ive had anxiety for years but never to this level... thats why i dont feel it is anxiety...some one has got to help me,,, coz like im helping myself and nothink is changing and im beginning to give up.... this is no quailty of life..

I get so so aggitated its unreal, if theres too many noises going on at once i cant handle it, i feel like my brain is scrabbled , i also sometimes cant handle listen to anything like my head is too full with information and its going to just going to crash, like a computer will if you have too many file on it and you dont delete soem and clean it up.
Im even finding it hard to sit here and type now...i am numb..


ive had it , really now i have...



ash x--- love to all xxx