Booze/porn addiction(?) - depressing

[NE21 worrier]

Hello everyone,

I joined this forum a while ago to help me cope with panic attacks which often happened when I went away with friends or something at work changed.

This forum has been brilliant as I'm actually quite adept at understanding panic attacks now - I get the fight or flight response and the first fear/second fear conundrum to which the excellent Claire Weekes refers.

Indeed, I have made great progress - I've retained my job (despite a two-month anxiety sickness absence last year) and been active among my group of friends. I will soon move on from my current job to another position which will hopefully suit me better.

Nevertheless, at 30, I still live with my parents, and my mum in particular still does much to help me in terms of food and ironing/washing clothes.

The former is particular worry of mine, especially in relation to alcohol. My parents were away last week and I failed to eat in a structured way at all, relying on fast food and missing meals (i.e. I would not have eaten properly on my own).

Weekends also have a theme of me missing out on meals in favour of a few beers to the extent that I genuinely think I probably have a drink problem.

An even more addictive problem which I know I most definitely have is bizarre porn. This is even difficult to type but, as bizarre as it is, I get turned on by femdom (i.e. dominatrices and the like) and submissive males in an extreme way so that, as an unconfident and fairly camp guy, I'm not even sure of my sexuality.

I have touched on the former with psychologists in CBT but never on the latter. I am not taking any anti-depressant medication or seeing a therapist at the moment - and yet I often feel utterly disgusted with myself.

Peter

[bulan]

I'm so sorry to hear about all this, Peter. Do you like to read books? If so, I can PM you a few titles that my husband and some other guy friends found helpful.

[MyNameIsTerry]

To be honest Peter, I don't think you are saying anything unusual with the lack of healthy eating - it's just the fact you're older. If you were 21, I would imagine most people seeing that as the normal journey of life when we leave home. Then as you mature, you eat better, drink less, etc. Is it possible that you think you should know better at your age? If so, I wouldn't be too hard on yourself because you haven't had the experience that comes from relying on yourself.

Why not try to become more independant whilst at home? If you start to take over these duties, when your parents have gone away you will find yourself reverting to your new learned behaviour of looking after yourself.

In terms of the porn, why is this wrong? If it's legal, is it wrong? Some people have more extreme tastes than others but that doesn't make you a bad person.

A lot of men like strong women, I know I do, because confidence can be attractive. Perhaps because you are lacking confidence and haven't taken on that role of running your own life, you feel submissive - perhaps like you haven't grown up. I would say this isn't unnatural when you leave home later in life.

What about it makes you question your sexuality? The porn you are watching is man & woman, so not same sex. Is it because you believe men should be the stronger in a relationship? Whilst probably all of us men feel a bit like this, there is nothing wrong with a woman occupying that role in a relationship. Do you mean that you feel emasculated?

[inCOGnito]

you have established a pattern, i.e. parents do the ironing/house work/cooking etc. So when they go away it's no surprise that you don't fill the void. You've trained yourself to behave in that way. That's not a bad thing, it's just the way the conditioning is at this time. You can't really judge yourself based on short times when your parents are away. It's not enough time to set down and establish new behaviour patterns. If they were away for longer, weeks or months, you would soon adapt and change the way you approach these things. You would establish new patterns of behaviour.

In regards to the porn, it's not so bizarre or 'disgusting'. I'm sure there are plenty of these videos, forums, etc online which is a reflection of their popularity. the second point I want to say is that we are drawn to these things because there is something or some part of us that wants to explore these things. It's not that someone has 'wrong' or wierd desires, or that it means they are bad or evil or disgusting, etc. That's just a judgement you have based on your cultural conditioning. Your mind wants to explore. I'm serious when I say this....watch some it think about it, immerse yourself in it when you do, and use some midfulness or awareness to just benignly explore your underlying thoughts, emotions, and feelings about it. This type of approach can work for most things (even anxiety!) because when you put your undivided attention on something, background feelings can just dissolve all on their own.

[swgrl09]

Don't be so hard on yourself about the porn thing. Society teaches people what they are allowed/not allowed to be into, but in my eyes if it's not hurting anybody who cares? There is a guy named Dan Savage, he writes a blog and has lots of podcasts about sexuality and what not. Maybe check him out.

[NE21 worrier]

Hi,

Just wanted to say thanks for responding in a non-judgmental way - I knew I could rely on NMP to do that - and apologies for not replying until now. This was, after all, written when I was feeling rather low after a little too much to drink on Sunday and I've just been getting on with work in the early part of this week - hungover on Monday, better yesterday.

Nevertheless, it was still worth writing. I think I'll revisit this thread at another time, though, as I have more pressing matters to attend.

Thanks,
Peter