I don’t post a lot about my problems but tonight I feel so strongly that I am in a static position in life, never making any progress, and dealing with the same issues year in, year out.

Basically, I have been agoraphobic for over eleven years with very strong social anxiety. I have had lots of treatment for this; psychotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy and hypnotherapy. The CBT was free, (which I got after a very long wait) and I had to pay for the other treatments. My last treatment was seven years ago, which I know is a long time but I cannot afford any new treatment. I have to some extent accepted that I will always be socially very limited and it doesn’t even bother me that much. I don’t miss the outside world to any huge degree. I’m not sure I actually believe I will ever get better.

One of the problems that this brings, however, is that we are struggling desperately financially because we live on my partners wage alone. Disability benefits are means tested here and because my partner works, I am not entitled to anything. I am alone for a minimum of ten hours every day while my partner goes to work. I suffer intensely from boredom and a lack of a sense of purpose. I have a couple of hobbies but you can’t do the same thing endlessly. I am often cold because we can’t always afford heating. I get very scared when I am alone after dark because we had a horrible experience with an intruder some years ago. I have no friends at all in the real world. The internet is my lifeline.

I had a psychotic breakdown ten years ago and was first on Olanzapine (Zyprexa) and then Abilify. This medication, plus quitting smoking in 2005 and hitting middle age made me gain a huge amount of weight. I am now dangerously heavy. I find it impossible to diet for any long period of time because when I am bored and cold, a snack cheers me up and gives me something to do. I don’t eat a lot but my metabolism seems to have slowed down massively. I can go for walks in the lane I live on if my partner comes with me and if it is early in the morning when no one is about. However, winter weather and my partner being tired from working overtime means that this doesn’t happen often.

I sometimes feel that I will go mad if I don’t find something to do and worry I will die relatively young if I don’t lose some weight. I feel powerless to change anything in my life. We bought a wood burning stove in September which should mean the end of being cold but have been waiting for months for a workman to come out and connect it. I feel all I do is wait for things to change and make resolutions I can’t keep.