The first thing I do when I get up in the morning, is check this forum. Now I love it, its kept me going when I have been at my lowest. However, this is my number one thought when waking up: that i'm ill and " should i make a doctors appointment"

Its literally consumed me to the point where I have stopped living life in a normal fashion. I'm not excited about anything anymore, I don't laugh half as much as I used to and I feel like i am building up a huge wall in general.

Sometimes I'm jealous of others moving on and living their life without a care in the world.

Now as much as I have the strongest desire to return back to normal- i'm scared.

Im literally terrified of living life and not worrying about symptoms. After all, a hypochondriacs logical way of thinking " what if i miss something ". I seem to think this constant awareness of symptoms and my body is going to result in me living a longer life. but then I stop and realise for the past two and half years I haven't lived at all.

I remember the date 29th March 2012 where I was in tears as the first thought entered the mind that " i had lymphoma". 6th July 2014-still here, no diagnosis, perfect bloods. Same symptoms- still convinced I have it.

Where do I go from here? more tests? more appointments? i have even considered blowing a fortune on private healthcare appointments.

I want the zest for life back !

Sorry for the long post everyone, I hope some of you can empathise

Gemma x