Hey there,

I'm Phil, and I'm a 21 year old guy. I live with my Dad in Herts, and have problems with anxiety and depression, and have for a few years now.

I've been in what has become a very serious relationship for about the last 3 months with a girl who lives overseas. Incidentally, it's the first loving relationship I've been in, and she's the first girl I've ever slept with, or said "I love you" to. Because I do. I think. That's my problem. Basically, she comes over to stay with me for a week or so at a time, as I really don't feel ready to fly over to where she lives (Sweden).

She knows all about my anxiety and depression, and has always been very supportive and understanding about it since before we even got together.

The time before last when she came to visit me, I was going through a pretty good patch, and was so happy about her coming to stay. One of the problems that I have is that a lot of different emotions feel exactly the same to me - panic. Especially if I have something coming up in the future, I'll just feel sick and anxious, because I can't tell the difference between excitement and anxiety. They both feel the same. I got a new TV in the summer and was excited about it coming, and so was sick with anxiety day and night for a week before it turned up. However, on this occasion when she was coming, I felt excited, and HAPPY! I hadn't felt happy in so long I'd really forgotten what it feels like. My version of happy had basically become the absence of anxiety/depression, but in this case I was actually at the other end of the spectrum for once and it felt amazing. I remember seeing her in the airport, and I was so full of love and happiness I thought I'd burst. I involuntarily BEAMED with happiness. It was unreal. Then, the longer she stayed, the more i started feeling a bit disinterested in her, until I realised that she'd be going shortly, and I'd just start crying. It was so painful. In those moments I'd feel like I loved her, and didn't want her to leave. Then, she left again, and I went back to being on my own, and as time passed I realised that I didn't want to spend as long on the phone to her, and started to be less needy towards her (a trait of mine...).

The night before she arrived for her most recent visit I was in tears with confusion. If you'd asked me a month ago if I loved her, I'd have laughed at the question. Of course I do! Now, though, I don't know. I don't understand my thoughts or feelings anymore, and none of it makes sense to me. I think, basically, I'm trying to distance myself and protect myself because everytime I've seen her or spent time with her, she has to leave and go back to Sweden and it rips me in two. Everytime I feel good with her and happy, I always end up broken-hearted because she has to go and I'm alone again. I know all of this, and it makes sense, so I think that I do still love her even though sometimes I feel like I don't. That's the scary thing, I don't know what the truth is, because the only time I feel those loving impulses that I used to feel is when I'm crying my eyes out.

I don't know what to do. This most recent time she came, she was here for two weeks, and I was actually planning in my head how to break up with her. Then, the day came when she had to go, and again, I was in pieces the night before. Total wreck. Again, I felt like "Of course I love her!!". Then once she'd gone (3 days ago) I was totally destroyed. I spent the day with a friend and was ok, then when I was on my own again I completely lost it. Totally. Not panic though, like I'm used to. I just got so, so miserable. I was sobbing for over an hour, and felt like I would have cut off my hand if it would bring her back. Again, I felt like I loved her, and that my heart was breaking not having her there. I've never cried like that in my life, and it was so bad it scared me. The following night was the same, and just hearing her voice on the phone was enough to set me off, though I kepyt it under control. Later on I was so bad i got into bed with my Dad - when I told him the