What I am about to describe is not for the faint of heart so turn back if youve just soft of heart.

Hi guys, I have OCD and I have had complex PTSD from my experiences during my childhood. I was abused and beaten for most of my childhood and psychologically tortured nightly. My former step-father is profoundly mentally ill (bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, anti-social personality disorder) and at several points had tried to kill my mother and once tried to set me up for it. I was told how useless I was daily and had the shit beaten out of me like I was a beat 'em up blow up doll. I was bullied daily as a child up until High School where puberty and being intelligent saved my ass. I had days where I got my shit pummeled in school and kicked in at home after I was forced to walk 5 miles in the rain to my house. I saw horrible things daily, soul shattering things that will stick with me for the rest of my very existence. I've seen just how horrible human beings can be and the variety of base things that accompany it. I try my hardest to keep a smile on my face but I just have a face of stone or I laugh too hard that I look like an insincere douchebag. I struggled so hard in my life to learn social skills but I feel almost as if I am losing them again.

I cant sleep with covers on my bed anymore because I just kick them off constantly when I have my night terrors. I have become an extremely short tempered person and I just cant deal with people anymore. Recently my OCD has taken a turn for the worst and has started playing with my paranoia. I believe someone is out to get me and frame me for a crime I didnt commit. I am no criminal and I have no plans on committing any crimes. I constantly check to see if everything is in its right place and watch everything like a hawk and panic if it isnt. I have an extremely intense fear of being set up as a rapist or a pedophile or something horrible and disturbing and the very thought is like a kick to the stomach with cleats and it is a highly visceral feeling. The very concept of going to prison for something I didnt do makes me want to break down and just sob. I have strange coincidences that my OCD loves to prey upon. Sometimes when I think of something obscure it will pop up, at first I thought this was cute parlor trick but then it turned into an obsession then extreme fear that I can somehow dictate whats about to happen to me. I have this gut feeling that something horrible is gonna happen when I turn 19 because I heard someone mention the song "I was only 19" (yeah it sounds stupid.) I just keep having this intense gut feelings something horrible is about to happen and I refuse to live like this anymore and I have decided to tell myself this is the end of the line. I want my god damn mind back.

By writing this out in detail I hope atleast I am heading in the right direction.