Yesterday was my granddad's funeral. I'd been dreading it all week and felt pretty anxious and panicky at work, something that was compounded by recieving a threatening phone call on sunday evening from an anonymous person. I had the option of not going, but I knew that my family would be upset if I didn't and I didn't want to let it beat me...I'd rather experience panic at the funeral than regret for a long time for not going. I imagined myself sat at home while they were all at the funeral, thinking "I could've done it". It was made even harder by the fact that we had to go out of town to a crematorium and I very rarely leave town.

We were leaving my gran's house at 2.45 and at 1.15 I was still struggling to get out of bed and face the world. My dad really upset me by suggesting that I should have gone into work for the morning and by saying "it doesn't surprise me that you're making your brother drive". I felt so angry with him. He's got no comprehension at all of how difficult yesterday was for me and if I did try to explain it to him, he'd think it was an excuse for being lazy and selfish.....that's a whole other issue though. I sulked with him when I saw him today, that's about all I can muster right now.

I got to my gran's house and that was probably the worst part. I had to keep disappearing into the kitchen to get some space and I was texting everyone that I could think would be sympathetic towards me. Thoughts were going through my head like "there's no way that I can do this" and "I've got to do it. What if I get my own car and follow behind, so that I can't see the hearse?".

When the hearse did arrive, I held back as everyone else went outside. My aunty, who was in tears herself was saying "come on", but I was seriously debating not going. "I don't want to see it (the hearse)" I said, but she practically dragged me out of the house: "If I've got to do it, so have you". That was probably the shove that I needed, if truth be told. Seeing the hearse, it just looked like a wooden box. I tried to imagine my granddad inside, but I was pretty much ok with it. I had a bit of a tantrum in the car, upset with myself for being such a wimp, but my cousin's husband was really great and, between texting and talking to him and my brother, the 15 mile journey or whatever it was was easier than many other journeys out of town that I'd made.

At the crematorium, my family gave me the option of not going inside, but I wasn't about to go through all that and get there to wait outside. I made a joke out of it, saying that my brother and my cousin's husband would hold my hand. There were only 9 of us there, but I sat at the back on my own in case it got too much for me and I needed to make a dash for the door. Thoughts were going through my head such as losing control and running up to the front and knocking the coffin over or making a scene....I must have looked ridiculous with my trousers pulled up and my hands down my socks to try and keep them occupied and to put an obstacle between me and using them for any wrongdoing. I'd had an image in my head beforehand of losing it when the coffin went behind the curtain on a conveyorbelt....thankfully, it was purely symbolic and they drew a curtain on the coffin without it actually being burnt there and then.

I knew deep down that it wasn't going to be as hard as I thought it was going to be and I'm glad that I had the strength and determination to do it. I did feel very flat afterwards, but I guess that that's a combination of exhaustion from expending so much energy 'flapping' and sadness.

Today, I still feel a bit anxious. It's very hard (for me atleast), not to be overly conscious of my heart beating or what could go wrong with my body and it's also very difficult not to feel overwhelmed by the size of the world and the universe. Last night I did go out for a quick drink even though I felt like stopping in. That's what I have to do. I have to do things that I don't feel like doing, because I'll get there and I'll enjoy it more than expected. I won't find any happiness by stopping at home and waiting for my misery to pass.

I have been unhappy for most of my life, but I've tended to live vicariously, experiencing things through other people and being an observer, rather than getting involved myself. I read a phrase this week which, as a perfectionist, appealed to me: "participate in things passively, don't worry about performance or results, just give it a go". I'm still trying to work out my 'mix' with regards to depression and anxiety, whether one causes the other or whatever, but the bottom line is that you can't enjoy yourself if you can't relax. It is daunting thinking of the strength that I'm going to have to summon up to do the things that I want to do and to be the person that I want to be, but hopefully my confidence will snowball with the more scary things that I face and I can live life like a 'normal' person.