since this is my third, and final trip down cit lane, I think it’s best I document things more completely than I did the first go round years ago. That way when I get a bee in my bonnet to come off cit again, I will revisit these posts to remind myself that’s not an option.

I’ve been reading and reading this forum for days. I’ve re-read my own posts from when I first started cit in 2013. This board was such a huge comfort for me then. And here I am again seeking reassurances and comfort.

I was on cit for almost 8 years. I never liked the fact I had to take meds and constantly felt there must be something I can fix in order to be “healthy”. (I have a huge case of health anxiety). So last summer I decided to wean off the cit. very, very slowly. I did well and was going along swimmingly off the meds for just a few months until sept 2021 when my husband had a huge health crisis and my anxiety went off the deep end again. I honestly cannot remember what the startup was like when I went back on them. It must not have been very noteworthy unless my concern over my husband was just far greater.

so back on cit until this summer. Again, slowly weaned off again and I think I came off around July. All was fine. Until it wasn’t. I don’t really know what set it off but it was bad. I did discover I have an iron deficiency but I’m fairly certain I’ve had that to some degree for years. My health anxiety insisted that I figure out what was going on. The more I tried to “fix” my anxiety, the worse it got. We went on a family trip to a lakeside home for a few days 2 weeks ago. The altitude was slightly higher than home. It was freezing cold and we couldn’t get the house temp up past 62 degrees f. I spent half the time up all night with diarrhea, full body shakes and no sleep and the other half putting on a happy face so I didn’t ruin the trip for my family. We came home on Friday and by Sunday I’d felt so bad I nearly had my husband run me to the emergency room.

instead I grabbed my cit and took 10mg. My very first time on cit I started at 20mg and woah Nelly that was a wicked first 2 weeks. I don’t remember what I started with last year after husbands health crisis. I figured I’d start with 10mg this time since the side effects were so awful the first time. Well…. They’re awful this time too lol.

increased anxiety being the main shenanigans. Today is day 10 at 10mg. After reading posts for the past several days, I think I’m better off upping to 20mg tomorrow. (When I started the first time, I started on 20mg for a short while and increased to 30mg which I stayed at.). I know I need to be at therapeutic level for best results. I’m not looking forward to potentially more side effects but I’m already here in side effect land, oh well.

I have to say, after the morning anxiety simmers a bit, my days haven’t been too terrible, and evenings aren’t bad with just a mild uptick in anxiety. Today was an exception and I partly think my trip to a mall an hour away with my daughter set todays nonsense in motion. The other part being that I have been up since 330 am with that maddening morning anxiety. The drive to the mall was fine, but the minute I got out of the car and headed into the mall my condition went south. My head felt heavy, I got the tingling in my neck, shoulders and arms. My legs felt like lead. But I pushed on. We were there less than 2 hours but we did have a good time. But I knew I’d reached my limit and needed to go home. The anxiety eased a lot as soon as we were home. I spent the next 4 hours resting, then put up a few more Christmas decorations and just took it easy. Then the evening anxiety started but has been a bit more pronounced. I’ve been having a relatively ok time falling to sleep lately so I’m praying tonight gives me at least that much and if I can get 5 hours of sleep I’ll consider myself lucky. I don’t plan to go anywhere for the next couple of days so if I can get rest during the day, I’ll take that too.

I KNOW I’m going to get better. I KNOW I’m not dying. But holy cow what evil is this health anxiety when it gets going. I’ve spent many moments just today reminding myself that no, I’m not going to feel this way forever. I also tell myself that I’m far more likely to have equal success this time around as I did previously. I know the chances do decrease the more you start and stop, but I’m being positive. I have to. I take comfort in reading my old posts and see that by the 3rd week I was doing pretty well, considering. So, knowing I’m likely going to have a slightly harder go this time, maybe by week 4 I’ll be feeling that same upswing. That things are finally heading in the right direction.

it’s so much easier to focus on the bad but I do see the good, the small successes. I could just kick myself to the moon and back for coming off the meds in the first place.

I did make a doctor appointment but the soonest is 2 weeks away. I am on a wait list if a spot opens sooner. I may ask about klonopin to help buffer the worst of it as that’s what I did the first go round and needed only a bit of help for a few sleepless nights. Otherwise I’m stuck with the grin and bear it approach. I don’t work so I can tolerate the daytime. The early mornings are still just awful for a few hours. This morning was quite impressive with how bad it was. I found it interesting to see I had an extra rough day around the same 9 or 10 days in on the first go round when I was re-reading my old posts. In old posts in this forum I saw a few others struggling more on this 10 day spot.

there’s just a great deal of comfort in simply knowing you’re not alone.