Hi there, I have labels of death anxiety, social anxiety and depression (also a tendency towards ocd) or you might just call me weird.
I have a really busy weekend on. Basically have to write a 5000 word assignment I've been struggling with for months and have been given a final deadline of Monday on. Also need to pack to move house.
Got too many odd feelings that are getting in the way though. The sunniness, the smell of the air, the feel of the day make me feel something, I don't know what exactly but it's getting in the way of me getting on.
Also, I'm really having trouble because I've had an increase in death anxiety recently and I just can't seem to want to do anything except be ok in the moment. Things that are about the future are just so hard to do, because it feels like there's no point. I don't know if I'll get that far. I can't think that I will in case I don't. I can't seem to get myself back into a place where I can feel that my life is going to go on. Everything leading up to this point in my life feels kinda lost and insignificant and I don't know if I'll go on from here so I just feel lost. I don't feel myself. I'm 28 and also feeling out of control because of the way time is passing in my life. I can't believe I'm 28 already. I never wanted to grow up.
I also can't seem to get my tutors out of my head, though I want to.
I just want to be able to see that I need to do these things and to do them for MYSELF, but I can't.
I doubt anyone will relate to this, I just feel the need for some support so I thought I'd post this here cause no one else in my life really knows or understands what's going on. My tutors doubt me. They think I pick and choose the work I do. I seem to have this thing where I desperately need and want their attention and feel hurt by the way one of them is treating me. Yet it's all in my head. This tutor probably bearly knows my name, yet I seem to have had endless daydreams about him being someone significant in my life. I don't even know him, but have built him into someone. My parents offer comfort and attention but it doesn't satisfy me.
Sorry this post has gone all over the place.
I just feel lost.
I just want to be able to get on and feel more ok.
Time is passing and I'm not doing the things I need to which will only increase my anxiety.
Can anyone relate to any of this, or does anyone have anything to say about it?