I'm not sure what happened today or where it all went wrong but I'm a quiet person and normally have alot of patience but today everything got to me and I just blew up which I haven't done to such an extent for a Long time!

I heard on the News about yet another case where a mother killed her disabled child because she could see no other solution. When are they going to provide the support these mothers need????????? It makes me So angry when they are left to struggle to cope alone without support!

I also heard something that confirmed my belief that normally mothers cope better than men when relationships end because the maternal instinct keeps them going but the man often feels he's lost everything. Men also don't find it so easy to talk about their feelings which when left bottled, they explode!

I've also been thinking that exactly 3 years ago I was visiting my father in the hospice before he died soon after.

And yet, this morning I got up fine even though I've had very little sleep lately which has probably added to my irritability. Last night though, I saw the film again, The Lord of the Rings (Two Towers) which I Love but Gollums song always gets to me because it reminds me of my past and of all my hurt.

This morning my wifes helper was telling us some very sad news about a friend of hers but I said to her, it's just life. We live in the hope of good times.

I went to bowls and was playing really well, better than I have for a long time but then 3 players around me started to niggle away because they kept getting confused because they were elderly so I ended up keeping an eye on them which put me off my own game. It felt like I care for my wife and mother, and now I was caring for them too! I just started feeling so angry.

A while back I put into action getting hold of a grant to help the elderly in town. We got the grant to create a new club for them but because of other commitments, I can't attend to help run it for them but at least I did my bit I guess.

I came home and went in the shower, even though I felt too tired. It was a waste of time! I came down and nodded off, only to be woken by my wife saying she couldn't close something. I went up and sorted it but when I showed her how to, she still couldn't do it herself. I should have left it and walked away but it irritated me when it was so simple to do. The more I tried to show her, the more angry I became until I blew up! I had to empty loads of stuff which made me hot and sweaty, all because she couldn't do something Anyone else could! In the old days I would have self-harmed to release all my frustrations or done worse but this evening I just took it out on a door and came off worse by cutting my hand! I feel bad for what I did and how something so minor made me so angry but that's how I'm feeling because I feel just like that poor woman carer I mentioned in the beginning.

Tonight I just feel exhausted. I want to cry but I can't. I feel So tired of giving all the time but so trapped too. Tonight I feel as I've always felt. There's just too much hurt and aggravation in life sometimes. Sometimes even on a sunny day like today, it feels the sun has gone away behind black clouds and it never stops pouring!