Hi Everyone,

I really need some help and advice. I'm afriad that this post might be quite long. Sorry.

I have been in a rather horrible mess for quite a long time now and to be honest I can't remember much of what has taken place this year at all - it's all been a bit of a blurry numbness.

I was told a couple months ago that I was depressed, which hadn't occured to me at all. I was told that I needed counselling and that I should see my GP asap for a prescription of antidepressants.

anyhow, I have done both - my GP has put me onto 20mg and I rang up the organisation that I was referred to for counselling.

I went for an assessment a month ago which was a bit scary, was asked lots of questions and had to fill in some multiple choice questionares. It all finished off with reassuring noises like that I do certainly need help, and that I can be helped. Since then I haven't heard a thing.

As for the antidepressant, if I was in a sorry state before I am ten times worse now. a few seconds after I wake up I can feel this sheer panic develop in the pit of my stomach - like it knows that there is something very very wrong with the world, but for some reason the rest of me hasn't figured out what that is yet. My face muscles ache because I think I spend all night clenching my gnashers. I still cry a lot, and at work it still takes very little to have me off to the loos for a sit-down and a cry, about 4 or 5 times a day. I do cry less than I used to, but even when I don't I still feel like I want to. My appetite has gone, replaced with a constant nausea and as for sex, any form of climax is impossible - we've tried.

I also had a strange turn last night in bed. I'm sure that I was awake, and I could feel something really strange happen in my head and I started shaking uncontrollably. I did my best to try to say something to wake up my boyfriend or nudge him awake but I couldn't. Anyhow, my body thrashing around woke him up and he says that he woke me up and I stopped.

By far the most scary is that on day three I woke up bolt upright at about 3 in the morning with an urge to top myself. It really scared me and I cried a lot. But those thoughts have remained and I'm dreaming about it which is very upsetting. At first I thought that it was a really sick way of getting some perspective on my situation, but I am now more convinced that fixing me is probably not going to happen.

Anyhow, my GP wanted to see me after a fortnight and I told him how I was feeling. He seemed to indicate that it was regrettable but that I need to stick with the course. I have another appointment this week.

Thanks for reading this far; any advice that you have to give would be great as well as any suggestions to these questions.

1. should I ask my GP to change me to another antidepressant? seriously the only positive effects I can tell are that I can actually talk to people in the office again and that I am not as tearful as before. I still want to cry and I can't concentrate on a thing.
2. since I haven't heard anything from the counselling organisation, would my GP be able to refer me for counselling on the NHS? (all he knows is that I have been told to see him for antidepressants; he doesn't know the full story.)
3. should I ask my GP to sign me of work for a spell to get the drugs working and at least get through a day without crying?

Muzz