Scary everyday

[hallam11]

Hello,
I have written on the forum before but I have some questions and thought this was the best place to air them. I am very confused as I don't really know what i have! Ok so I have always been a worrier, i mean very badly like when I was 6/7 i used to play families with a girl across the road and we kissed. I was so scared about what it meant I prayed every night. I was slightly bullied by my sister and my dad was not a nice person to be around so I became quite load to overcompensate for all the anxiety I felt inside (something i still do). I used to have certain things I had to do like make sure my curtains were straight before going to bed, my sheet on my bed had to be straight. I couldn't walk on those lines in the malls and jumped over them, i had to go to the toilet before eating dinner and had to pray before certain times.

Anyway my dad left and broke the family up and it was horrible, me and my sister got the brunt of it and half of our family stopped talking to us and we were pretty outcast. Then when I was 17 I met a girl and she paid me a lot of attention and we started a relationship. It was hard because we kept it from everyone.I felt very ashamed and didn't know this was exactly how i felt. When I told her she was gutted and made me feel quite guilty. Anyway she led me to believe that she would be shattered if we broke up and I didn't want to hurt her so I stayed with her. Because of this I went really really downhill and kind of broke down, i went to see a counsellor. After this I began having really terrifying thoughts about hurting people, I went really bad and just couldn't handle it.After a while I had to end it with the girl and she didn't treat me very nicely after but I did begin to feel better but then the horrible feeling crept back in.

Anyway I took the plunge and went to university when I was 18 and things didn't get better because as we all know you cant run away from your issues. I saw a brilliant counsellor and she did help but family issues arose again after I graduated and things have gotten worse. I had to move back in with my mum after uni as most people do and she has moved so I had to leave my job. Usually when I am busy my mind does not focus entirely on my bad feeling and bad thoughts but now I don't have a job cause of the move they have hit me full pelt.

When I say bad thoughts they are the type that stop me dead and fill me with fear,dread,nausea and make it hard for me to concentrate.The type that are on the ocd forum pages well Ive had all of them, they get me to the point where I actually think I will hurt people,that i am a murderer,paedophile,animal neglecter.....whatever bad thing there is I believe i am.I feel everyday that I am not a good person wheni try so hard to be but don't think i am and then talk to the people i love the most in the most awful ways because i feel downright awful.Its really crippling and after 5 years (I am now 23) i have really had enough now and need some help that will help me in the long run. Anyways I wrote this really just to air myself, im sorry its really long but I have this thing where I have to let people know the details etc and try not to leave anything out.I have left out specifics because I realise it may hurt or offend and i respect people enough not to put them through that.

I would appreciate any feedback anyone has as to whether they have felt the same or any insight they have. Thanks


I truly hope everyone on here will find their answers and lead a happy life.

Take care xxx