I was was diagnosed with GAD by my GP some 20 yrs ago and have had several bouts which have led to suicidal depression and obsessive thoughts which have been more or less managed with meds/therapy so that I have been able to function reasonably.
Things came to a head a year ago when I slipped into a highly distressed state which was exaggerated this time by alcoholism.
I sought help from my GP and have been in constant counseling since-I was helped greatly by this site and its members.
I gave up drinking (free for 8 months now) but other manifestations of my depression are deeper and harder to tackle-particularily my obsessive thoughts and often my behaviour and these seem to work against me constantly.
I have difficulty sleeping and am often w/awake at 3am with only my computer for company......!!.......as a 'red blooded' man I often find myself habitually surfing the internet and idley clicking through all sorts of info in a compulsive manner-
This can lead to some very addictive behaviour patterns and also carries the risk of viewing things you wished you'd never seen.
Where-as many people can just 'get over it' and dismiss it as the nature of the net, if I am feeling vulnerable I become haunted by this sort of thing and catastrophise that I must be some kind of monster for having 'seen or read things' - even though I am repulsed by some of it, don't actively seek it, sign up for any of it, or live out any associated feelings about it in real life.......but it seems like another compulsive and damaging addiction which has control over me (or which I LET have control)
I feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde!
And yet the apparent 'evidence' to all and sundry, and the way I conduct myself in real life points (so I am told but find hard to believe) to my being a kindly, worldly-wise, successful and lovable(???) man. I just can't see it. AT ALL!
This in turn triggers a whole wave of disastrous imagined consequences to the point where I feel overwhelmingly depressed and yes-suicidal (extreme self loathing and worthlessness)
......so here I am again...almost at the point of no return. I knowdrink isn't an answer...but I feel SO SO unhappy.
I am sorry to ramble on but I think (hope) that I am surely not alone with these darknesses...........but it is so hard to get any perspective from where I am at the moment.......feeling alone, worthless, hateful, evil, and looking to the bottle or worse for salvation again.
Please read?
I have got to the point where I can't go on with these feelings.
Yrs Widge
I have an understanding and supportive wife and still see my counsellor (who has also been so helpful) but am sometimes afraid or find it impossible to reveal the extent of my darkest self loathing and some of its causes and the real or imagined consequences
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