I am truly disapointed in myself. Today i had to admit defeat and make myself go to the doctors. I nearly bolted several times, and possibly drove the man in the next seat in the waiting room mad with my fidgeting and twitching.
The doctor coo's and sighs in all the right places as i spill my guts out to her in the 5 minutes time slot, to be given yet again fluoxetine. The 3rd time in my life ive gone to the doctors in desperation from depression and anxiety. For over 15 years this has plauged my life.
I admit it, I have failed not only myself, but everyone else.
Last april I felt strong enough to go meds free and have managed up until today. The bad thoughts of self harming, the feeling my heart is gonna pop out of my chest, the choking feeling, the tightning of the chest, the claustrophobia and the constant checking my pulse to see if my heart does miss a beat or am i imagining it? The fact all i want to do is cry and hide away is a good sign that for some reason my brain cannot handle life. Maybe i should feel proud i had the bottle to go the doctors (because i nearly rang and cancelled about 20 times) or maybe i should think that sometimes we all need a bit of help, but i cant get it out of my head that i am a failure.
I cant tell anyone ive gone 1000's of steps backwards. Im ashamed of myself.