Hi everyone,

I'll apologise in advance if this doesnt make any sense. Sometimes I think I dont even make sense to myself.

I've just come back from visiting a 'friend'. She was one of a group of 'friends' I saw before I became ill with depression. I frequently felt uncomfortable when with these friends as I always felt there was too much gossiping, too much judging, and too much talking behind peoples backs went on. I gradually began to think that if other people were discussed so much then what was being said about me when I wasnt there? I hated being part of it and began to distance myself. They told me I was paranoid and the problem was all in my head. I stopped going out, stopped socialising with them and they never bothered coming to seeif I was ok. They thought it best to leave me alone apparently.All the time I was off work they never once bothered to see if I was alright.

Anyway I have felt guilty for cutting them out, began to think maybe it was me, and tonight I thought I would break the ice and go and visit one of them. Now I wish I hadnt.

Aparrently it was my problem all along. I was paranoid. I was weak. Other people have felt like me, with the despair, the hopelessness, the fear, the self loathing. This particular girl had felt like this before for a week or two but 'she is a stronger person than me and managed to pull herself together.' I have been for counselling but she says if I had had good friends to talk to that wouldnt have been necessary.

It was all my own fault. I was too sensitive. My 13 year old son at the time seemingly tried to make them include me in their little 'get togethers'. She says I shouldve just got on with things. My mum died in the middle of all this and I had a difficult relationship with my mum anyway. But I shoud've just accepted her death and moved on. My job was terrible, really stressful, still is, but lots of people have a hard time at work....so what.

I know my life isnt any worse than anyone else. I know I had no reason to feel the way I did and sometimes still do. I was just beginning to pick myself up and now I feel like s*** again. I shouldve been stronger. Its like they think I chose to feel like this. I'm a weak useless person. Its like she says everyone feels low sometimes but normally people dont give in to it. I couldnt go out, couldnt speak to anyone, alternated beteween being terrified (of what?) and feeling so low I didn t think I'd be able to carry on and now I feel so ashamed that I was the way I was.
Im such a pathetic idiot. I hate myself for how I've been, they really couldnt hate me any more than I do already.

I know it wasnt their fault I became ill, it was mine. I dont even know what I expected from tonight, but I certainly didnt expect to be made to feel so ashamed of myself. I really tried to carry on as normal but I couldnt. Everything felt out of my control and I truly wanted to die.

Now I feel I'll never be able to put this behind me. Why do I have to feel this shame. Is this the way its going to be from now on?

Sorry for moaning but had to get it all out.

Coni