(edited posts)

[Paddington]

oops pressed wrong button!!!yes,they see it helps and want us to get better,not for them but 4 us!I do hope you continue posting,and that some of these suggestions help in some way ...keep talking hun.love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Karen]

Hi Meggy

Welcome to the forum and for being so open with telling your story. I appreciat this isn't easy.

You wil find many people willing to offer support here and I hope you find being here of benefit to you.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[Paddington]

hello meggy,sorry i late in responding,had a stinker of a weekend myself :( Well,what a break thru!Going to the group and identifying what sparks you off.It is the vunerability i think Meggy[i went to a group once and fled in tears too!]And also i was thinking the same as i read your post,these women havn't been what meggy has been thru,so if i was thinking it ,no wonder it crossed your mind!!!!And yet straight away,you knew in your heat that their pain is as bad for them as yours is.I do hope you continue with it ,but take it at your own pace,I feel that too mich too quickly willbe too much for you.Perhaps break it down into managable chunks.Sort of deal with the attack,then the reaction to the attack then peoples reactions to the attack[during and after.]I am not sirprised you feeel so angry with these people,it raises another word ..BETRAYAL..thatis how i would feel,as i know i have felt this emotion in the past and still hold on to it today!!People are feeling guilty it appears to me.Why cant folk just be honest??And say 'i am sorry i let you down,how can i help put it right'...i have no answers for that one Meggy.They must live with the guilt if they are not willing to discuss it,but it is THEIR GUILT ,NOT YOURS!.As 4 wanting you to get on with your life,i would love to see THEM brush it all under the carpet??What cowardly nonsense!!...I am so glad you had a good year with your Mom,that is wonderful.To reconcile like that and to hear her truth and for her to trust you with that,wow,Meggy what a gift!I wonder if i will have that with my mom one day.Difficult childhoods are so difficult to deal with i think,it haunts you and follows you around[it does me anyway]i believe the year with your mom was truly a gift.Helps you make sense of it some how,still hurts tho aye?Your Uncle sounds like a gaurdian Angel,whata lovely warm memory to keep in your heart.I was right about Sweden,what a coincedence!!My Aunt was thru frindship,not marriage or blood.But i remember her,tall blonde and beautiful.I haven't seen her since i was 4,when my mother left dad,and cut ties with everyone,but i do remember her and her husband,Peter,and their Son,who was nick-named 'bumps' as he was always falling down Keep up the talking and the work with your new counsellor,hard ,but..baby steps meggy..baby steps.God bless.Love Mary-Rose.xxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Meggy]

I feel like such a schmuck. Everyone here has been very gracious, giving, informed, and often funny too. It's been a real lift for me altho at times hard because the issues are hard. Particularly thank you Mary Rose. You've helped me gain some important insights.

I've erased I think all of my posts. Probably missed some, I'll try to hunt them down. I was so excited when I found this great site I'm afraid I've been in a posting frenzy posting everywhere, that's been embarassing. I apologize if I've been a "board hog". I've been thinking since I started, that the origination of my problem is too heavy, I've been uncomfortable about just that. My husband's health too is extremely precarious, we're going through such a tense time I wonder if I have attempted to relieve some of that stress on myself by attacking the problems I guess I have but it feels like that strategy is backfiring. I have found I can't do both. It's made me very nervous to be concentrating on my problems and his too. He has supported me for 8 years through some very hard times, one rolling after the other with my epilepsy and it's now time for me to support him. My thought was I need to get better help for how dysfunctional I've become at times and I still think that's true but I'm unable to attend to me and him at the same time. I've been getting so nervous once I finally started in earnest attacking my problem, it made me too hyped up and I was signing my name I noticed with one of my daughter's names that is visiting us right now! If none of these things were factors I still have some safety problems. I put 7 men in prison. All of these men were police and notoriously policemen incarcerated have a very rough time in prison, which makes my day, but it got so bad they had to separate them from the general population which has caused some new hostile feelings from them, thus some of their families that are still intact which has in the past, can now, reflect back on me in a nasty way. I've posted several times I won't and can't go thru that again and I DO mean that. With my current at times out of control temper, that's not a real good mix. I have to keep my own self within the law too while at the same time if I'm brutally honest there's a big part of me that still hungers for one of their unannounced "visits". I've been ready, I'm now able. We're kept abreast of their family movements, upcoming parole hearings, that kind of thing. The 2 that got the lightest sentences are also coming up for their first parole hearing sometime before the end of this year. I fully intend to be there and know I better be mentally there too. You've all helped me identify a lot more than the 2 problems I thought I did have. If I stay in therapy I'm sure the short time I've been here it has helped advance that therapy faster. 6 of the 7 have/had families and of those, 2 have thuggy adult children. I've had frightening "visits" from these two adult thug "children" that scared me so badly I nearly shot one. I grew up on a farm and have been shooting since I was 7. Lucky for him my usual very good aim was wide of the mark from fear. I don't want to go through that again and if I keep posting sooner or later I'm bound to disclose too much about my whereabouts. It's awful to live this way but - it happens. They weren't coming for tea, that's for sure. One came thru the window. That was several years ago but the potential is still there and even more there in my mind if I allow myself to get swept up in it. That was enough for us so we moved a long way away for nearly 2 years, just recently moved back to within about 4 hours of where this happened. I hadn't been worried but others have been. I wasn't supposed to use any identifiers in my posts, my email addy, everything is under a false name but here I don't know why I forgot I guess, got complacent maybe, I don't know, but I used my name, my dog's name, other family names and it's scared me because it's concerned those that watch out for me. My husb talked to the "good guys" tonight and I'm fr

[Paddington]

oh M i do wish you werent leaving,i am gettin all teary eyed.I will miss our chats.We all feel paranoid at times,but every one here is genuine with their concern M.Cant believe they may get at you thru your posting here.Could you not come here and use an alias?I know you are so sad about your Husbands illness,and i wish you could remain here so we could go thru it with you.Just remember honey,i am here,PM me any time you want to.I feel we were making strides and kinda friends too.I wish you all the good luck in the world and you are in my thoughts.love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Meggy]

Thank you Mary Rose, and others that PMd me. You have been a very bright star in my life, quickly became so in the short time I was here. I'm going to keep reading for awhile. I learn a lot from posts too.

M

[jackie]

m you arre a brave person

i wish you well

jackie

[Meggy]

Oh gosh, if I say 10 mea culpas, can I sneak back on? I was getting so much help and finally I found a place I can go, say I feel this or that way and no one gasped, tried to shut me up. I was reading a PM I wrote to someone and the reasons "I felt" I should quit? Ever feel like or realize something's off and that something is there are too many excuses? That hit me. I was here for a week, felt such relief, excitement, but others worried about me which is sweet, but I'm not worried about me, not in the ways I said, not precisely. I'm worried about carrying these emotional burdens, dysfunctional behaviors.

I'm going to stop posting on my intro thread tho, I'l post elsewhere if no one tells me - go away. I am wondering tho if the UK culture is so different the US's. I read US sites and there's all these justifications, buck up and be strong attitudes. I've tried that, it's false too often. It might work for a moment, but I can't hang onto those attitudes to get better. But you all from the UK, and yes I've read the same kind of posts from US people, are so noncensorsing. I'm not used to that in my personal society. I've been waiting for the ambush I think. I've emigrated once. Think I should again? lol

I am who I am. What happened happened and I'm going to deal with it head on. If I drop off here where I was finally in over 3 years getting help because of more induced fears? When do I quit running and ignoring? I am stronger than that. I insist it of myself. I hope I haven't caused harm to others by my quick retreat. I became very frightened, acted too quickly. I decided 3 years ago I'm not going to hide, and I haven't. I won't start now due to the fear of others who I know care about me, but I don't want babysitters either. I doubt they want to babysit me and if I allow them? That could cause resentment later too.

Meggy