So I've been having suicidal thoughts a lot this past week..
I've been back on pregabalin 150mgx2 daily for about a month. For the first 3 weeks it greatly reduced how often this thought would come in to my head and the severity of the affect it would have on my mood. Then last week when I went to get a new prescription off the doctor I started crying in front of the receptionist.. Was rather embarrassing.. And the thoughts have came back.
Thing is, when I read about suicidal thoughts online , people seem to describe them differently.. I think mine are anxiety related, say I'm walking down the street feeling anxious, I will just have the thought "just kill yourself" and sometimes I say it under my breath or out loud.. Sometimes I say it or think it over and over and over like "just kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself" and I will go all tense. I don't want to kill myself and I don't think I will act on it. I don't even think about how I would do it, well rarely and if I do think about planning it or how I would go about it I don't go in to much detail in my head..
I get these thoughts if I think I've said something silly in a social situation, or if I think about money and how I will manage, or about how I'm doing terrible in my studies.. This has been going on for months and I think I just got used to it. But this week I've been fairly emotional!
I just want to know if anyone experiences something similar? I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow, so hopefully they can help me.. Life eh? Thing is, I know I'm going to get offered antidepressants and they have done naff all in the past.. I will say no to any SSRI or SNRI but may consider mirtazapine as heard its a bit different.. Hope 2015 is better than 2014 cos I've achieved nothing and felt like crap for the most of it.. Lost Two jobs, barely attended uni, and have zero self esteem now.. Anyways getting a little off topic, so has anyone had similar anxiety related suicidal repetitive thoughts?
A Nervous Nigel.