Fixation?

[.Poppy.]

This isn't something I've thought about previously, but recently I'm wondering if it is an issue I have, and maybe have always had, I just never considered it.

I don't suffer from HA as badly as I did a few years ago, but I do think that I fixated on certain 'symptoms' and therefore they persisted and/or became worse. Once I was able to stop fixating on symptoms, I was mostly able to move past my HA.

Now I mainly have a grab bag of other 'types' of anxieties, it honestly depends on the day. I've lately started fixating on my appearance. I'm not the least attractive person out there, but I have battled acne (it's probably genetic - I've done just about everything, including medication and it's only recently become more under control) and I have scarring as a result. I may or may not be able to have some of it taken care of, but will never have perfect skin. I've got other things I stress over in regards to my appearance - weight (I'm actually at a good weight, but I definitely fear becoming overweight), and then the usual: is my nose to big, are my teeth straight enough, etc. etc.

I really, really want to have some great inner confidence, but I just can't seem to find it. I spend most of my day either looking in the mirror or trying to keep from looking in the mirror. I obsessively compare myself to other people. If I'm away from a mirror, I constantly think to myself "how bad does my face look now? Or now?". Basically, I'd say it takes up a good chunk of my day.

When I was dealing with HA, it felt easier to 'ignore' my thoughts because I told myself that they weren't real. But my appearance is real, so it's impossible to escape.

And then ultimately, I just get tired - tired of the thoughts and tired of myself. I feel like I will always be alone, because one look at me and it's over.

So, how do you stop the fixations, when you're fixating on something real? I have this inner drive to go on, to move on, and get excited about things - and then it's like I deflate.


Oh, and I am sorry for posting so frequently recently. I'm just going through a rough patch and you guys are always awesome

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Poppy.

You aren't posted frequently but don't worry about having to anyway, thats what this place is for.

This is a self esteem issue by the sounds of it.

Your appearance is real, but perhaps your perception of it is skewed? This is just the same as how your HA would aim to convince you that you did have X and Y would happen. So, being non judgemental to allow those HA concerns to drift away is the same as this issue really.

At your age a certain element of this is going to be normal. When it starts to upset or frustrate you then its time to be careful and in somebody with anxiety disorders, its likely to become the next subject of their worry as you say. Catching it now before it goes further is good.

I'm hoping that some of the ladies on this forum will come along and give you some advice on this element as you all grow up under more pressure than us men. Well, many men do have body issues & certainly self esteem, but a lot of us grow up in backgrounds where its less of an issue...in my day it was more important to be tough than it was to have a nice haircut!

Exercise is a good way to boost self confidence & self esteem. Could this help? Its going to help you with depression as well as keeping you in shape.

[Oosh]

Put your focus somewhere else Poppy. Incidentally you look fine, acne marks or not. I'm a male, that comes pretty low on my list which determines whether I find someone attractive or not. The problem is YOU are focused on it so its reflected in your self esteem and confidence.

"I'm not lovable"
"I'm ugly"
Very very common for many people. And big causes of low self esteem and depression.

Focus outward on what others might be insecure about. Look outward, forget you. Everyone has something they hate about themselves. You're not below every one else. You're the same as everyone else. Big noses, stupid hair, ugly feet, eyes too close together, sticky out ears, overweight, underweight. And that's just me !

Or their insecurity might be on the inside. We are all one big freek show. So put your focus on EVERYONE not just you. "They" are all the same as you. "We" are all the same. See yourself as the same.
They all need love like you. And you can give them that can't you.
We all feel a bit flawed and need each other to make us feel lovable. You can empathise with that. Empathise with them.

Males are like little boys needing love. That's why they get dragged around by their heart strings in relationships a lot. They need the love. Everybody does. You can make others feel ok about THEIR insecurities and make them feel loved.

Instead of focusing on your perceived flaws, focus on what qualities you have. What about your eyes and hair and facial shape and figure, are they all acne marked and rubbish too ? I doubt it. Make a real effort to spend more time focusing on your qualities. They'll start to dominate your self esteem instead. It's just awareness. Become aware of other things.

Anxiety and depression can make you feel ugly too. I used to find it unbearable seeing my reflection. You see you the person regardless of your looks and it can be difficult.

Change the playing field. Make it about different things.

[.Poppy.]

Terry and Oosh - thank you so much. You are both always there with amazing empathy and advice, and I really appreciate it

It's a long road, but I'm going to try focusing on it less. Maybe try distracting myself - when I start to think about it, going and doing something else entirely.

I've started eating healthier and have just started exercising as well. I have a lot of Netflix shows I want to watch, so I made a deal with myself that I can watch them if I'm exercising at the same time. We have an elliptical here, and so far it's been pretty good.

I'm in pretty good shape, and am fairly active anyway, but could use a bit more structured exercise/workouts (mostly I just hike for fun). But with my self-esteem where it is, I just fear gaining weight because I think if I were overweight on top of it all, I'd sink beyond low. It's tricky too, because generally if you are overweight, there are a lot of "love your body" messages out there, but there just aren't really any for people who have/have had acne. It's seen as 'gross', which I'd understand if I spent my day swimming in grease or something, but I'm very clean - I've tried so, so many things and it's just one of those things I may be able to control as best I can but will also need to accept about myself. It's disheartening, but it is what it is. And maybe someday I will accept it, on some level.

Anyway, thanks again for your responses. I was moved nearly to tears reading your kind words.