I have an appointment with a therapist

[.Poppy.]

I just sent an email. I'm hoping she gets it before she goes home. I asked her if we could talk tonight.

I love my mom. She is kind and I know she'll be supportive. But I'm so scared. I've never really confided so much in person before. My mind is telling me I'm being dramatic, while at the same time telling me that I really have made myself sick and damaged beyond repair and no one can really help me anyway.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm glad you had a productive (and reassuring) session with your counsellor, Poppy. To be honest, I think the kind of worries you have been discussing on here recently (looks, career choice pressure) will be very common to her in your age group.

I hope all goes well with your mum. I remember you saying your dad is a big more gung-ho in trying to get things done and your mum is the one that slows things down to think about that. I think that's a good sign that she will take things in and get her head around them. (not saying that your dad won't either, just that your mum's approach is more measured & controlled so I expect she will want to spend time talking to you to understand as much as she can)

[Shazamataz]

Hi Poppy,

We haven't 'met' before but I just wanted to pop up and wish you all the best with talking with your Mum. I expect it will turn out to be such a relief to share your worries with her and have someone on your side.

It's great you have taken the step to see a counsellor. You are young and can get on top of it with help now. That's a great step forward!

Hugs

[.Poppy.]

Thanks, all.

Speaking to my mom went really well. She was actually pretty unaware of what had been going on (now and in the past) but was really kind about it and incredibly supportive.

Now I have about a million more steps to take - I have to talk to my doctor, have to talk to my derm, decide what I want to do in regards to medication, etc. etc. I've set the ball rolling, though, which is positive.

Probably the most frustrating thing right now is I have moments where I feel totally fine and can't believe I was so upset over "nothing" and then turn around and feel a twinge in my head or a glimpse in the mirror and it sets off an entirely new wave of panic. I'm kind of balancing between those two places right now.

[.Poppy.]

Hey all. I hope I don't get to be too much of an annoyance but I have two doctor's appointments and a therapy session this week and have found that writing my thoughts out is helpful. So, I wanted to share here.

Mentally right now I'm kind of all over the place. I've sort of set the wheels in motion in trying to deal with my GAD and HA (it's probably more HA right now so I probably should have put this in that forum...). I swing from really low to almost neutral and wonder why I'm even concerned in the first place. My fears being:
> I'm afraid of someone confirming my fears, telling me I have a right to be concerned.
> I'm equally afraid of being blown off. Being told I'm fine - both health wise and anxiety wise - and ultimately not getting much support leading to being forgotten about.
> I am embarrassed by my anxieties. I know I shouldn't be, yet I am.
> I have never talked about these things aloud before and it's been a LONG time -- so it's very difficult to get my feelings across accurately.
> I've also noticed that when I say things aloud they don't sound as "bad" as when they're circulating around my head, making me feel like maybe people don't totally understand my fears because once spoken they just seem silly.
> Finally, I feel selfish for asking for support when I know people have busy lives and stresses of their own.



Whew! Feels like a lot to contend with.


Anyway, I had a derm appointment yesterday (I go monthly because of the medication I'm on). I told her about my concerns: right now it's hair loss, particularly on my brows, and nausea. She assured me she didn't really see any brow loss and that it's normal to shed brows. She also said that nausea wasn't super common but it happens and can also be caused by the BC I have to be on - or potentially anxiety as well. I have another month of the med left to go and I hope it's worth it at the end. She did make me feel a bit better.

The funny thing about my HA is, I become so focused on such a specific thing that nothing else really enters my radar...until it does. For example, BC could be causing some of my symptoms but I'm not scared of that medication at all, even though with my migraine history it's probably the more risky drug for me. I've also had blood tests and have somewhat high cholesterol levels that aren't due to the medication - I do have a family history but am not overweight myself - but for some reason THAT doesn't scare me either. Maybe it will eventually, but not right now. Go figure.

I'm also majorly struggling with just tiredness right now. It's like I can't be bothered to deal with this though I know I have to. It's hard to say these things and hope for the best, necessary, but certainly difficult. And when I feel a little better I have major hate for myself for feeling low in the first place; then I feel low again....it's a nasty cycle.

I have a therapy appointment in about half an hour and an appointment with my GP tomorrow (I love him so know he'll be helpful but am embarrassed to go to him with these problems) to discuss whether or not I'll need medication. I'm nervous for both appointments, but again, feel they are necessary.

I just hope it's not all for nothing.

---------- Post added at 20:06 ---------- Previous post was at 18:36 ----------

UPDATE: Just finished my therapy session. She was very kind and understanding, which was great - I really like the woman I'm seeing.

We went over a list of things I want to bring up with my doctor on Friday. My mind is still running circles around itself but I'm starting to feel like maybe I can confront this thing head on...or try to. We also talked about the online CBT I'm doing, which is pretty helpful so far. Not perfect, but I found it was even more helpful once I was able to talk over the topics with my therapist.

We're going to meet again next week and I can sign a release form if I want as well so that she can coordinate with my doctor if meds are explored, if need be.

I'll probably bother you all again after my doctor's appointment - it just really is helpful to write this down and get feedback from time to time. I've had this anxiety for so long but this is the first time I've really done anything about it, which is both scary and empowering. Which it's more of depends on the day.