Originally Posted by
Deckard
I can relate.
My issues are mostly Health Anxiety related as well, but I have been dealing with those kinds of intrusive thoughts as well. After my first ever real panic attack in December, my mild infrequent HA morphed into a full-blown fear of having various terminal illnesses. First I thought I had a heart condition, later on I was obsessing about a brain tumor and different neurological disorders. Then one day, while googling (I know...) I thought I found the cause for my distress (something benign and easily treatable). That was actually the first time Dr Google helped me relax. I felt instantly better. That feeling lasted for the rest of the day. Then, when I went to bed, it began: the intrusive thoughts about self-harm/suicide. Out of nowhere. For no logical reason.
Like the HA, I've had had (fleeting) thoughts like that before, but I was always able to snap myself out of them. The first time I remember was when crossing a bridge here in town. It has a low railing (bit more than hip height), and I thought, 'what if I lost control of my body and jumped'. I was so scared of the thought, I started moving as far away from the railing as possible (almost into traffic) and almost started to run to cross the bridge as quickly as possible. I forgot about that incident after a while. Recently (pre-panic attack) I had similar thoughts again, like looking at an Exacto knife lying on the table. I didn't feel comfortable having it there, again thinking that if I had a momentary lapse, I could cut myself. I even went so far and took the knife and put it in a drawer in a different room.
But back to now. This time the thoughts didn't disappear that easily. I eventually fell asleep, but as soon as I had woken up, the thoughts were back. I was a wreck that entire day. The next day, I couldn't take it anymore. I was overwhelmed with that unexplained sense of dread that I might do something stupid. I phoned the hospital if they had a psychiatrist on-call at their emergency room, they did, so I went. I had to wait for what seemed an eternity, but finally got seen by a psychiatrist. After telling her exactly what I was thinking, what I was feeling and so on (be honest, and don't withhold, those people are professionals and can only make an accurate diagnosis when knowing all the facts), she said I had OCD. I was surprised, since I thought I had an anxiety disorder. According to her, I do have that, but the root cause is obsessing about certain thoughts and ideas, which send me into spiral and make me anxious and at the worst create a panic attack. That was the reason why, after having felt better from my "illness", it didn't take long for my mind to focus on something else, just as gloomy, to ruminate about.
I tell you the same thing she told me, people with OCD and intrusive thoughts never act on them!
She prescribed me Sertraline (called Serlain here, I think it's called Zoloft in the USA) and Lorazepam (only while the Sertraline kicks in).
I have since moved on from intrusive thoughts about self-harm for the time being (back to HA land I am afraid). I forced myself to cross that bridge I was so afraid of though, just to prove to myself that I am in control.
BEWARE, I wouldn't recommend to anyone to confront his/her dark thoughts like that if you are not sure about your own mental state! I am only telling you my experience with intrusive thoughts. I am not a mental health professional and I would advise you to tell your therapist exactly what's going on in your mind, so he or she can assess the situation.
Unfortunately, I have no advice on how to deal with the thoughts while you are having them. I cannot seem to block them out, nor am I able to ignore them. There are people who say you just need to let them "be". I don't know what they mean by that... The only thing that calmed my down was company. When I was close to someone, I think I unconsciously assumed that that person would hold me back if I was about to do something unreasonable. Since I am single, nights where hell though, because I was all alone. I left the TV on all night, the voices calmed me down somewhat. I'm hoping when the Sertraline kicks in, it'll be easier when and if they come back.
Sorry for the long post, I tend to ramble on quite a bit....