Hi! Total newbie here!
I've been a sufferer of depression and mega anxiety all my adult life (I'm now 30). I've been 'OK' for a couple of years now med free. Until the last week or so.
I moved 3 hours away from my family in my mid twenties for career reasons.
Met my husband and we were blessed with a beautiful baby (now toddler).
For the last 7 years I've been nagging my husband to move back to my hometown as I desperately miss my family and being so isolated up here. Last year he happily agreed and we are just waiting for everything to go through with the solicitor and exchange & complete.
Initially I was ecstatic then the black cloud and doom that I no oh so well kicked in.
You see, my teen and my early twenties were extremely colourful and eventful. I had a good upbringing and did well at school but for some reason I was a wild child. I held down an office job but on the side me and a couple of friends decided to escort. Not to fund anything dodgy but to pay for holidays and luxury things that normal teenage girls couldn't. A couple of friends knew, my mums ex boyfriend knew and at that time it was nothing major just a young girl living a free life. I did this for quite a few years on and off.Later on I caught the herpes virus. A bit of a shock at first but a guy I had been dating had cold sores and at the one I was naive. Learnt it was very common. Again, a handful of friends knew and my mums ex (he was like a dad at the time although eventually we grew to despise each other). My husband of course knows about the STD. Not the escort life. After all, it's in the past not the person I am now. Although he probably wouldn't be surprised if I told him, he knows I was a bit of a wild child.
I have this sickening feeling that I can't shake. I feel sick all the time, I wake up with a dark cloud over me. I feel like I'm making a big mistake. I have my little family unit here where no one knows me. I've wanted nothing more than to move back for years though. Now I am wondering what if my toddler eventually finds out about mummy's past. What if someone tells my toddler when theyre old enough to understand? What if my toddler hates me and doesn't look at me the same way? What if I bump into someone when I'm about? What if someone shouts something to me? What if everyone in my road finds out? This was a few years ago (like 8/9/10 years).
I told my mum my concerns. She says I'm being ridiculous. I told my hubby my concerns (only about the STD part) he also thinks I'm being stupid and just trying to make myself miserable. He says that I'll die and all people will say is how miserable I was and that I could never be happy. I'm just so worried about the past catching up with me and the whole world knowing. My toddler is my number 1 concern. We have such a good opportunity here, home wise, family wise, upbringing wise. I just can't stop crying about this. I'm so so worried.
Don't get me wrong, I'm moving to a town of a population of roughly 210,000 people, it's not a small village but you know the world always seems like a small world.
I just need to do something about this, talk to you guys, get suggestions etc. I'm not a bad person. I'm a good person. I know my past life seems a bit gross but I'm the last person you'd think would do these things. I don't necessarily have regrets but I do regret not thinking ahead to how I might feel one day if I have children. I'm sh*t scared and don't know what to do.
Thank you if you got to the end 😊
---------- Post added at 19:03 ---------- Previous post was at 17:25 ----------
Wow 28 views. Maybe I should be worried then?😭😭