Oh darling.
I'm sorry you're going through this. You are absolutely not alone. What you're experiencing has happened to so many people. ... and because of that, there's a lot out there that can help.
Relate do counselling for abuse survivors.
I'm in psychotherapy to deal with the abuse I went through. It really makes a difference. I was suicidal for chunks of time. I'm not any more. It is possible to get to the other side. It feels like it will go on forever, but it won't.
Did you know, memories of abuse come up for processing when we're safe enough to emotionally do it? So the fact you're able to process this now is testament to how good things are right now. It's good, so you will be supported. Our brains only let us grieve when we are ready to.
Feeling low is part of the process. It's ok to feel whatever you feel. It's important to let it out.
Some people don't process memories of abuse until they're much older. It's good you're doing it now. You get to change, early in your life.
I wish my mum had properly gone to therapy when I was little. She went a couple of times and then stopped, and remained ****ed up and passed on so much bad stuff. Taking responsibility for your emotions and mental health will make you an amazing role model as a mother. Your kids deserve a mum who actively works on dealing with her problems. You're doing that - keep going.
There is no 'should' - please release yourself from the pressure to 'be happy' because it looks like you 'should' on paper. Listen to your inner guidance.